Loving Laura

I know its been a while since Ive posted. Too long some would say *cough*Justine*cough* , so I thought Id try and write something quickly while Laura's in her play pen. I probably don't have long, Laura woke up this morning at 5:30 (ick!) so shes pretty cranky.  I am too I guess....but that's nothing new. I haven't written in a while because Ive just had nothing nice to say, and my Momma always taught me 'if you don't have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all '....which evidently does not work too well for me as it leaves me silent.
Im not sure when I started being such a negative nancy. My glass is always half empty. Someone elses grass is always greener. And instead of watering my grass, more often then not I just say 'screw this grass' and stop caring entirely. Which is also not really working for me. So somethings got to change. I'm not really sure what that something is, but I'm searching tirelessly for it. I'm trying to do more of what makes me happy, problem is....I just don't seem to know what that is anymore. I draw (not nearly enough) but I never create. I doodle, and scribble, but I never have a thought behind it, no message or reason. All my messages are too.....dark. I feel angry. Alone. Abandoned. These things should push me to create amazing touching pieces of work, but they don't. They leave me instead playing sims for 2 hours, when I could be painting. 


There is one constant in my life though. One thing that makes me happy and keeps me going. And that thing is not a thing at all. She is my little girl Laura. And on Friday she will be one. ONE. How is that possible? Has it really been a year since I had my baby? Its funny, you always hear people say 'ahh it feels like yesterday', but its true! I can still remember the soft glow of the hospital lights, the gentle hum of the machinery. Laura curled up in the crook of my arm. The nurses would come in and offer to take her to the nursery, let me get some sleep. "No thank you" I would tell them, we're fine here, and I would cuddle back into her. If I hadn't known better I would have thought that Id died in the surgery and gone to heaven, cause that's how it felt. An eternal hug. A never ending embrace. The love of a mother and her new baby. I have felt very nostalgic the past few weeks as I watched the calendar count down to the day that changed my life. Changed me. 
I can remember coming home with her and spending endless time snuggled up with her in a cocoon made of blankets. Days turned into nights and back again, and I never put her down. People would warn me "oh you better put her down in her swing (or crib or whatever) you don't want her to be clingy". I'm glad now that I ignored that advice. For had I listened to them, I would've missed out on an hour of the most precious days of my life. Its funny, you think you will remember it all, but you don't. As hard as you try to hold onto those moments they slip through your fingers. But the feeling of tenderness never leaves. Holding her then, I couldn't wait for her to grow, to interact with me, to hug and kiss me and to say "mum". Now those things have happened, time has sped by and my baby isn't so small anymore. In fact she is a little adult. And she is amazing. So smart and funny and pretty, Its a wonder I don't tear up every time I look at her. Cause she is just that amazing! Its the little things really. Like how she will walk any day, she can stand up in the middle of the room with nothing to pull herself up with, and just stand and smile at me. She doesn't need words I know shes thinking "look Mom I'm doing it I'm doing it!", then she flops down on her bum and charges over at me to give me a 'hug' which to Laura is laying her head on my knee and letting out the little sigh. The other day she nodded for the first time. Trevor and I lost our minds laughing. We were playing catch, and she had caught the ball and we were telling her to throw it back, nodding in encouragement and she picked up the ball, and with wide eyes and a Cheshire grin she nodded back, slowly and exaggeratedly at first, then more deliberately. Now whenever you ask Laura anything she nods. Yesterday the cat walked by and meowed at her and she nodded at him. It was so funny I just had to walk across the room to her, scoop her up in my arms and kiss her soft little neck creases. I love her chubby little neck! Every morning when we wake I kiss that little neck and think how lucky I am to be her Mom. And as I sit her writing this I look out my window that looks down on a school yard. Kids all running and playing and their Moms standing by the fence watching them with love. One day my baby will be in school, and people wont see her as a baby anymore....but I  will. I will still remember our long days of cuddling, and how she looks to see if I was watching everytime she does something new. How she will walk up to the computer and point and then dance and I know she wants me to play music for her. How excited she was the first time I let her eat table food, and how shocked she was when I yelled because she threw it at the tv. 
As Moms we often don't get much time to ourselves, but when we do we spend it counting down the minutes until we get to hold our babies again. Even as I write this, I'm wondering why I haven't heard Laura yelling for me to come get her. Chances are shes just sitting there quietly reading her book, but the Mom in me wants to go ruin this quiet time and peek my head in the door. Its funny, even after I had her I never thought of myself as 'Mom'....it just felt weird to call myself that. People would call to see how we were doing and say things like "hey momma, hows it going?" and it always made me laugh. Oh yeah Im a mom! But now, I couldnt see myself as anything but Mom. Its not just dna,its who I am. I am her friend. Her caregiver and safe keeper. Her source of advice and wisdom. Her sun and shining star. Sometimes its hard to be the center of someones universe. But other times, times like these, I'm reminded how wonderfully lucky I was to have her. To know her. To love her. 


Laura will be one on Friday. Her very first birthday.  She doesn't know it yet, but she will always have me by her side.

For the past 7 years, Ive missed out on alot. Good time with friends. Valuable time spent with family. Time invested into my passions and dreams.For one main reason. I was waiting around. Waiting for the person whose pressence is like swimming in a sea of ecstasy. Ok, maybe thats a bit much. But thats the way teenage me felt. I didnt care if friends wanted me to go out, or my Mom wanted to go shopping. I wanted to sit and be with 'him'. We spent alot of time together, over the years. Often sitting and doing nothing more then enjoying one and others company. But gradually over the years, the scales tipped, and we were no longer each others main past time activity.
He took up various hobbies and sports, while I remained the same, sitting and waiting for him to come home. I would often sit for hours and hours just waiting for him to be done whatever thing he was doing. And then there would always be a fight. Me: why were you so long? Ive been sitting here waiting for you for 5 hours!` Him: why?
That 'why?' was always a stab through my pride. Why? WHY?!? Why because you love me and should want to spend time with me, like I do with you.
But after years and years Ive finished with waiting. Ive decided to live my life, with or without 'him'. Today was a great example of that. Laura and I slept in ( :D I know right!!! woohoo 8:30!!!) and we rubbed the sleep from our eyes, ate some oatmeal and headed out for the day. 1st we went to the park , whewre Laura enjoyed the fresh green grass before it gets covered with crisp fall leaves, and eventually snow. Then we walked and got some Timmies (a must on every walk!) and Laura had her 1st timbit. We got on the bus and rode to Walmart for some much needed retail therapy, aka shopping lol. We got a HUGE bag of cat food, as wally mart is the only place that carries 9.5 kg (22 lb!) bags of cat food. We then went through the kid section and looked at toys and felt textures, Laura not being a big fan of bumpy things. We went through the book section and pushed the buttons on the books that make sound. We both bought a pair of snazzy new shoes, and laura got a couple of fall out fits. We went through the make up section while Laura was very patient for Mommy to pick out a nice nude lipstick to help her feel fly. (Ill do my hair and make up and post pics tomorrow) and then we went to the grocery store where I bought a chicken caeser salad for lunch and we bused home. After a little nap, we got dressed up again, this time in her new duds, and we walked down town to the jazz festival. There we looked at art, fresh art as it was being worked on right on the street. We listened to sweet jazz on 3 different stages and danced and laghed and ran through the park. We were about to head home when I heard a phenomenal female jazz singer, so we turned back around and headed into this cute little coffee place where I got a cafe mocha (MMMM Justine :p) and a cookie and we sat on the patio enjoying the sweet sounds echoing off the surrounding buildings. Finally Laura had had enough outings for the day as she began rubbing her eyes. Were home now and Laura is enjoying her books (ok so she only chews on them, at least shes digesting some literature hahaha) before bath time and bed. What a great day, that we would have never had had I been waiting on him to come home.
From now on, we will wait on no one. We will enjoy every adventure that comes our way. xoxo

Isnt that how life always seems to go? You make some progress and then an inevitable road block plops itself in your way thwarting your plans.

So its been a while since Ive Laura updated, and theres a lot to update! She had starting getting up on her knees about 3 weeks ago, and she was doing this weird chameleon lurching thing. And then a couple days later she would get up on her hands and knees and walk her hands backwards pushing herself up onto her feet. She even attempted bear walking for a little bit, and then she just stopped trying. Some where in that week she was busy learning other things, i was just too focused on the crawling. I never noticed when she started being able to get from her belly to her butt. Or to sit up from her back to be butt. But the next week she decided to try crawling again, and was pretty smooth. And three days later she was in hyper speed and zoomed everywhere! Then this past week she has mastered standing. Without help might I add. She can stand herself up on anything! Even a wall, which has nothing to hold onto so I was pretty amazed! She is even pushing around her toys now trying to walk.
I knew these things would happen. Of course I did....but why tthen does it all feel too soon? I feel like just last month she was still my little bean, all she did was cuddle and sleep in my arms all day. I want to laugh at all the people who always lectured me to put her down in her crib. "ohhh you should hold her all the time, put her down" HA! And miss precious cuddle time? Not on your life! She is not yet 10 months and already I can see a little person looking up at me. She has such a strong personalitly. Like her mama :)  Shes defiant and loves testing me! She is curious and clever, she is funny and adventurous. And I love her. I love her so much I wonder who I was before I had her. I look at pictures and I dont even think Im the same person. There was a selfishness in me before that is long extinct. Everything I have I would give to her. I dont think I couldve said that of Amanda a few years ago. But time passes and people change.

I can still remember last winter. So vividly and clear. Im taking a moment to write about that because Im afraid I wont always remember the feeling of those times. Old memories are always replaced with new ones, no matter how hard we try to hold on! The house was not set up like it is now (Trev likes moving furniture around) the play room used to be the living room, and I remember it being dimly lit (as it was winter, not alot of natural lighting) as we had a floor lamp, one of the ones that branches off 5 different ways, and I always had it on the dimmest setting. I remember that I was so sore from the caesarean that I couldnt walk around much. So I never really used my change table,. I kind of made myself a nest. I know that sounds funny, but its the best way I can think to describe it. I had a little book shelf next to the couch where i had the breast pump, the diapers ,wipes, clothes, blankets etc, and drinks and snacks on top of course. And there was a blue ottoman that I would put my feet up on. I had three HUGE blankets and 4 pillows and I would build up a blanket nest all around me, making it perfect, then I would lay Laura down right against my belly, and thats where she hung out. She spent almost all of her time snug against my chest. I didnt need to move her, I could just wip out the boob and nurse. Its funny, I kind of miss breast feeding. I stopped because she got teeth. And shes a bitter, she will bite your arm if you sit still long enough next to her. Apparently I was a bitter too. But I miss those cuddle times. I spent at least three months doing nothing but that. Holding and snuggling my gorgeous baby girl.  I had no idea that something so small could make me feel so special. When I think back to those times Im over whelmed by feelings of rushing warmth. I can see the dimly lit blanket nest and me and my baby all curled up inside. I even slept with her at night, despite being told not to. But those were the best night of my life. sleeping on arm over her and one eye open (figuratively speaking). And I remember one night in particular. It had been a hard day, she had been colicky and I just didnt know what to do. I was stressed, I was tired and i was feeling desperate, I  decided to go to bed an hour early and go lay down in bed with her. We were laying face to face, nose to nose, and I reached out and stroked her cheek, ever so gently. Her eyes were closed and she rubbed her face into my hand, much like a kitty does. I whispered "I love you" and still with her eyes closed , she smiled. The biggest sweetest smile. Her first smile. (holy crap, I just had one of those mommy moments, and teared up, that normally only happens for pampers commercials !) There were other great moments too, like when shes on the brink of sleep she will reach up and stroke my cheek now, and let out a little sigh, like she is just so happy Mom is there. But no special moment stands out in my mind like that first smile. 

And now, now she stands? Shes learning to walk? She can crawl away from me and dosnt need me to hold her anymore? She plays every morning in the pen for an hour, and sometimes when i go to get her, she doesnt even care. She just keeps on playing. Like oh, its just Mom...no biggie.  But at night, Im everything . She wont take a bottle from Trev, only Mom. And at about 4 am, she doesnt want to sleep in the crib any more, she will stand up and call, " MOm MOM mom mum mmmmoomm momomomomomom MOM MOM MOM!" until I get up and scoop her up and bring her to bed with me. Which i know is probably creating a bad habit, and I know Im just giving her dependency issues or whatever.......but truth be told Im way to tired to wake up at 4, and part of me really loves cuddling with her. Thats all she wants is to cuddle. Which is fine as Trevor doesnt sleep in the bed any more. (thats a whole other long ass story, for which I will save for another post, or maybe a visit?? EHEM! VISIT! JUSTINE!!) he doesnt want to be disturbed by her waking. Which I think is nonsense as there is no where in this little house that you wouldnt be able to hear her crying.  So for a while he was sleeping on the floor, then he bought an air mattress, and now he sleeps on that. SO im guessing its permanent. Us sleeping in separate rooms. I feel more like room mates then a couple any more. Its funny. I remember thinking that having a baby would bring us closer, but truth is, the stress of a baby brakes most couples up. The financial strain is alot more then any one ever prepares you for, and the sleep deprivation really takes a toll after a while. But really, people just change. They evolve and grow. Well some do. And others just stay the same. The ones who grow often grow too much, and cant relate to the person they were once so connected to. If your not catching the reference...Im the grower. It may take me a few years to get out of this funk, to get Laura off to school. To get back in shape. But look out world. Im coming for you! And Im leaving behind all the losers when I do!

I dont know what it is about piano music, it just speaks to my core. While practicing my Adele piano song "Someone like You" youtube suggested a NIN song that I had not heard yet. I like about half of NIN music. The other half is alot of the time noise. But noise to release some anguish that Trent Reznor obviously struggles with. Ive listened to this song like 10 times in a row and its now my #2 goal to learn. Im becoming obsessed. Again. I was in highschool too. Here are the lyrics :

"Lights In The Sky"

She's mostly gone
Some other place
I'm getting by
In other ways
Everything they whispered in our ear
Is coming true
Try to justify the things
I used to do
Believe in you

Watching you drown
I'll follow you down
And i am here right beside you
The lights in the sky
Have finally arrived
I am staying right beside you

I tried to stay away
You know
Just in case
I've come to realize
We all have our place
Time has a way you know
To make it clear
I have my role in this
I can't disappear
Or leave you here

Watching you drown
I'll follow you down
And i am here right beside you
The lights in the sky
Are waving goodbye
I am staying right beside you

And here is the youtube : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd0nIsGHIvc&feature=related

Also, if your curious about the Adele song Im learning you can find it here :   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAc83CF8Ejk&list=FLw2OgkJeSq6-n0qQv6GMdEA&index=14

 

In life, we always are dealing with new and old. New things in our path that broaden us and help us grow. We also deal with old. Its predictable, safe, familiar and routine...but it stays just that, always the same. Old does not grow or change, does not experience new things. So why is it so hard to break with the old and spring for the new. You always say you want new, talk about doing new things, having new habits and making dreams happen...simply by setting a deadline. Bam! Dream is now a goal, and goals are so attainable! Sooo instead of having this broad dream of being me again, I decided to break down that dream into what I thought was 'being me'.
Step 1. Sleep. Now I know to all you non Mothers out there , you think its funny that sleep is numero uno. But you try getting up every hour on the hour for 8 months and see how funtioning and motivated you feel! So the past month Ive really cracked down on my bedtime routine. Now that she doesnt sleep through the books, and   (kind of) pays attention when I read to her, I read for a full hour every night before bed. I love it, and I think one day she will too! Which brings me to number 2....
Step 2. Read. Again your probably thinging of all the things you could choose you want to fit reading into your hectic routine? Yes. Now Im not saying that Ill read every day or anything, but reading has always been a huge part of me. While other kids were off at parties I was in the library reading. I love the escape. The freedom. So Ive started reading again. Its just one of those motins I needed to take to feel like me. I mean what makes us who we are? What we do and say yes? SO if we stop doing all the things we love to do, are we still us? Well truth be told, I stopped doing all these things, and no...I didnt feel like me.
Step 3. Do my hair and make up. I find when i feel like I look good I tend to want to leave the house more. Go out longer. And no i dont need make up to feel good about the way I look, I used to in high school...Im pretty much over that now. But on the odd day I decide to go do my hair and make up instead of mindlessly looking at the computer screen, and on those days I feel great. I find Im way more productive and social. *note* those days generally follow a night of sleep :)
Step 4. Art. Now that I feel (from sleep) and look (the more fabulous I look the more fabulous I feel) like me, and my brain is full of amazing imagry (reading!) Im ready to paint. Or draw, which was my old preferred method of extruding the art from my soul and slapping it onto the paper. But Im trying for new, so Im exploring a little. Mediums wise that is...
Step 5. Music. Music used to be my life. Ive played an instrument and sang for as long as I can remember. My Dad is a musician and wanted me to be too. In highschool I was always in choir and jazz choir which you had to audition for as their was 9 girls And although piano lessons were pretty boring as a kid, I LOVE piano music now! Ive decided to teach myself and perform (yikes) for Rockton Fair. Oh boy! So Imm learning the song on my Dads key board that hes lent me. And this is all so new! So I have little over a month. I hope i can learn it well enough that I can sing at the same time! I get terrible stage fright! Its easy to sing in a group, but alone, its very different.
Step 6. Excersise and eat well. I know this should be a higher priority. But I am getting better and better. On days that I draw, or read or do make up or sing....those days I also go on long nature walks with Laura in the stroller. I love nature walks. I grew up down by the river, and spent most of my time there with my camera.
Speaking of camera...Ive really fallen out of habit of my camera, which is now good. Everytime I blink I miss something! So I finally went out and bought some batteries and taken some pictures. New pictures of new things. Like this new tattoo Ive got on my foot :) And to me it symbolized my love for music and serves as a reminder that we grow and change and become so busy in life, but some things never change! People thing they change, and maybe they do a little...grow and evolve to fit their surroundings. But the core being of that person always stays the same. I thought I had changed. Thought that becoming a Mom meant thats all I was. But I found me again. And it  feels great!                                                                     
So this here is my new tattoo <3

Well Laura has had enough with independent play now so gotta run, xoxo

So I promised a certain best friend of mine that i would make a blog post tonight with pictures of little Miss Julia's painting that i did for her. Well...its not done. Yes i know , theres no point of being a perfectionist for a painting intended for a two year old, but its simply not finished. I cant lower my standard of work, even for a little cutie who would be happy with a splat of paint on a canvas. We as artists are always harsher on ourselves then our audiences are. See every flaw and slip up, no matter how well they are disguised. Maybe its a good thing. To judge yourself so harshly, to push yourself to do greater things. But most of the time its just a hinderance. If I cant do it perfectly why do it at all? Well thats whats been running through my head on loop for two years now.

I think it all started in grade 12 art, I made a sculpture for art class, for my final. It was an open assignment, no rules or confinements, let your artistic self soar. So I did. I put every ounce of my heart and soul into that sculpture. Every creative thread I had was woven into the countless hours I spent sculpting. Lunch breaks, after school, sometimes Id even skip class just to go in and sculpt. (man Im getting chills just thinking of where this story is going). So 2 months later, after spending more time on this then on any other project in my life, I was satisfied. Which is amazing in itself, as Im NEVER satisfied.
So off into the kiln it went, I even chose to forgo the glazing as I was so happy with the end result I didnt want its perfection to be marred by a colourful glaze. What i didnt know, was that the grade 9 sculptures were also going into the kiln. And what I also had no knowledge of was the fact that one of those grade nines, having no experience with clay neglected to do the first and vital most step to sculpting, which is to kneed the clay. For those of you who are not artists, you kneed the clay to get out any trapped air bubbles. If you dont do this, the air bubble will expand in the kiln and since there is no room for it to expand it will explode.
Yes, I said it, explode. And sitting next to that unnecessary and preventable explosion was my sculpture. *tear*
Now as you could imagine , I was DEVASTATED! No thats not even a strong enough word. I was crushed into pieces as was my hard work and all of my artistic soul. And not only that, but for sooooome reason the dumb art teacher (not nearly as great as the BCI art teachers whom I loved, as she was always sitting on her ass and reading, which seemed to be a trend with pj teachers) decided to bring it out and tell me while I was writing my effing exam! Yeah, I know! What was she thinking? COuldnt she have brought it out after I handed in my exam which I had just barely started! So needless to say I failed. The test, wouldve failed art too as she hadnt marked it before baking it, but she mustve had some heart as she gave me a 52% to graduate highschool. A 50! holy moly, for those of you who know me, I have never gotten a 50, in any class, let alone art. The lowest mark i ever got in art was an 82 and I beat myself up about that.
I still have it. I think so at least. Its at my parents house, in a box in the basement. I couldnt bring myself to take it with us to our new place. It felt like failure was stamped on my head, and everything I did was pointless. Its funny sad how all it takes is one bad comment to destroy a dream. Since I was a little girl Ive been an artist. You would never see me anywhere without my sketch book and pencils. It was all of who I was. And then it was all taken away from me in a flash ( I understand now that thats not true). I stopped drawing. I stopped painting. I even stopped with photography. What was the point? Id only fail.
years went by and one by one my loves died off. I stopped reading. Stopped going on nature walks. I fell into a hole of sorrow, and Im sorry if that sounds dramatic to you, but I was litterally intrenched in sadness. Not just because of this one project, but at the sudden realization that I would never be an artist.

Two long years went by, and little by little I got my rhythm back. I went on walks, read books, saw friends and started listening to music again. From time to time Id even sit down with my sketch book to draw, but nothing would happen. Id just stare at the blank page, and feel defeated. Then, after a whole bunch of drama, Im sure Ill make a post about it someday, I got pregnant with Laura. And a spark i thought to be long extinguised burned strong in my gut. Or maybe that was just heart burn, but anyways, I had a feeling to paint. SO I painted for Laura. And they were shit. Seriously shitacular. I thought I had lost my 'skill'. Silly me. I was just out of practice. And I still am. Its like an athlete, who quit running and became a couch potatoe, and then one day decides to run a marathon and is upset when they cant.
Little by little I hope to get it back. Im just so happy to have to urge again. Its like fire in my veins, compelling me to greatness. Or so I hope!

In a side note, Id like to thank Justine, for reminding me that friendship is real, and that no matter what hard times come our way, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I am so saddened that the end took place in such horrible circumstances, but at the same time Im glad you were here. Where people had your back. And remember, I will ALWAYS have your back. Now that being said here are some pictures <3

Until next time (which will be this week when I finish Julia's painting) I bid you farewell  <3

Dont get me wrong I plan on sketching and conceptualizing these next few weeks, but Ive decided upon ordering my art supplies online.....better selection the Walmart, although no instant gratification , so theres always that down fall. Man I am so tireed I can barely make sence of the words as Im typing them. Gah. I plan on having a nap when grumpy mcgee does, maybe then Ill feel like less of a zombie.
I like zombies. Which is weird as I HATE horror movies, Im a scardy cat. But really, I CANT watch them. My imagination is too vivid and I would drive myself into a padded room if I get any more terrifying ideas in the head of mine. But I like the walking dead series. The comics mainly, Ive read them all so far, which makes me pretty excited to watch the series unfold. Tv series that is. Told you Im tired.

Im going to quit this post while Im still ahead.
Good night, or good morning I guess

So its raining outside. There goes todays plans. Which were, before the rain, to walk to the library and pick a new book, by a new author, one Ive never read before. Step out side the comfort zone, Ive grown to feel too safe inside. But again, rain. Rain rain go away.....well actually, no dont...you can stay. Ive been asking for rain for quite a few days now, to break the humidity, and now that its finally here, i just dont have the heart to wish it away.
So what to do, what to do. Other then laugh at Laura, who has a new way of moving around. And who looks at me, with raised eyebrows which are all too familiar, until I look back. I can feel her gaze, intense, burning into the side of my face. Willing me to turn and look at her. Then she laughs. Just a short soft laugh, but one of accomplishment. Then she goes on with talking to her self while examining her feet. Oh to be a baby again. You spend your whole childhood wishing and rushing to grow up, not realizing that your racing through the best part of life. The entirety of our adult lives is spent trying to recapture the joys of our youth. Life just looses its sparkle after a while. But then, when you think the whole world is dull and boring, you become a parent. Its almost like reliving those times, seeing the amazement and wonder on her face as she learns everything for the first time. To sit and wait for her to look up at me, just to make sure Im watching. It warms me up with a love I thought was long extinguished. Its this love that I try to remember when I have moments of doubt. Doubt of the path I chose. Everyone has those moments I think. Some are more honest to their selves then others, but time to time I think everyone wonders 'what if...' ?
I started reading a new blog, (http://warriorgirl.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-am-not-lost-i-am-just-in-camouflage.html ) (that link is to a post that really resonated with me) and she says that she used to think becoming a Mom destroyed the artist in her, but now she realizes that the life she chose does not stand in the way of the life she dreamt of. That it doesnt have to be either ,or. And I am more determined then ever to persue art again. Enough of my fears thinking it wont be good enough or I may be rejected, fuck it. SO what if I am. At least I can say I tried. If I died, without ever having tried, would I have lived at all?

So tonight Im hoping to go get art supplies. And after Laura goes down for bed, instead of mindlessly staring at the computer screen, Im going to paint.

Ok ok, I know, I owe you a full post. a post soooo long that your eyes blur over before you get to the bottom. But truth be told, I just dont have it in me. Ive been in such a lazy rut lately, I havent been doing much of anything. Laura has just been up so much, Im not getting any sleep at all, which results in me zombie walking through the house all day. They say (and by they I mean various internet sources) that different things will cause your baby not to sleep through the night at this age. These things being : - milestone waking, which occurs after your baby has learned a new skill, like rolling over or sitting up. See babies learn alot in their sleep, so sometimes they will figure something out while asleep and wake up so excited to try it. Silly but cute!  -teething, but can you blame them? And it can last up to 3 years! ahhh kill me now! -and finally, a physical upset, like a wet diaper, hunger, discomfort, or simply not being tired. Although I must admit, as nervous as I was to stop co-sleeping (almost 2 months ago now) Im almost getting more sleep....if it weren't for this cruel heat. I hate summer. Always been a fall person, shorts and a sweater, pants and a tank top. But I can be patient and wait for fall. 8 months have just flown by, I feel like all I did was blink. And now Laura's starting to crawl, like a backwards inchworm, its adorable, but it makes me sad to think how fast she is growing. I can no longer cuddle with her on my lap, she squirms and fusses to get away. Little miss independent already!
Im trying to get back into the swing of things though, I really am. I took the time to paint my nails yesterday, both my toes and my fingers! Amazing I know :) I used this new crackle coat nail polish...have you seen it?

Also, a while back you might remember a post about my hair? well it didnt turn out well, not well at all!!!So this week, after becoming tired of me complaining about my orange hair for the billionth time, Trevor nicely suggested "why dont you go fix it then?", ohhhhh I think I may ! So I remembered a hair style that I was uber in love with, from a trashy tv show I watched a while back, I found a picture for you to hold you over until I take the time to curl or straighten my hair.

And it looks just like it! Im so happy! My hair never turns out the way I want it to, but for once it did! Hooray! Yahoo! Now i just wish I had a girl friend to show.

Man Laura is SOOOOO active! Its really hard to write. She can now get from her bum to her belly and then roll away , ahahaha my days of sitting on the couch are almost over I guess. Which is fine as Im tired of my fat ass! I try so hard to be and eat healty, but all it takes is one day of lazyness, and bam, Im back on the junk food wagon. Wow, Laura almost just rolled off the couch, I guess Ill have to wrap it up. What I think I was trying ot write about before the endless distractions, was that Im trying to get back to being  myself. The last few days I even took the time to put on makeup! And for my one reader who knows me, she knows how much I love my protective shield of fantabulous colours and designs that I smear (lol!) onto my lids. Now if only I would wake up and be 50 lbs lighter, then Id really feel great! But one step at a time! After the weight loss then I can buy clothes that fit and flatter me again, instead of my maternity sweats, ugghh!  But I have a new source of inspiration, thanks to the sexy and fiery red head Justine. Pinterest. Its funny, since Ive had access to the internet (years ago at my parents house) I have made file folders for pictures I would download off of various sites. Things that inspired me, or things I wanted to use as a reference for a new art project. Well it turns out someone else did this too, and theyve turned it into a website! Its funny, when I first went onto it I was kinda laughing at it, like really this is it? This is what shes been raving about? 216 pins after only a few days later and Im no longer laughing! This shit is addictive! But I like it, its something thta I can actually refer to for ideas and inspiration, without having ot download all of these files onto my hard drive!
All these inspirations will come in handy for phase 2 of my 'return to being Amanda and not just a Mommy plan'. Phase 1 being to look good again,, as when you look good you feel good, therefore you do good. Phase 2 is to get back all my old hobbies (or new ones if the old ones no longer interested me....which they do) so I have in the last 2 weeks read three books, reading has always been a strong passion of mine! And Ive been pursuing photography again, poor Laura lol! Ive been singing again, Ive been singing since I was a little girl and jut abruptly stopped, I sing almost everyday now and I can feel the joy slowly seeping back into my veins. Ive returned to my nature walks, which is good for both an activity and exercise . And the final thing on my list (so far) is to start doing art again. Thats probably the biggest thing I miss in my life. I used to do art (soome form of it at least, whether it was painting, or sculpting or just doodling) every day. I dont remember the last time I sat down to draw. Part of the problem is I dont have many supplies left, Ive never gone to buy any...ever. Its always just been things that were given to me for birthdays and Chirstnases....and mostly from walmart, nothing of quality ever. Theres a nice art store in hamilton, but its hard for me to get there. It just came to my attention that theres an art store in town. I hope to go see it soon.
Well Laura has had enough of independant play and is screaming and throwing things. Got to  run, I hope this was a long enough post to keep you content until I post again .

I planned on having Laura. Most people my age who become parents, its on accident, but us, we planned this. I wish (sometimes) that we had been able to wait, as now that I look to going to school in January, its much harder now that I have Laura. For starters my Mom will have to watch her all day everyday, while Im in class. Now my Mom is only 47, but she is very unhealthy. Which makes me sad, always just a little floating in the back of my mind. before the devastating news that she has cancer, she was already out of work and fighting with severe osteoarthritis and osteoporosis. Which means, for those of you fortunate to have never had a loved one suffer with, is that her bones are so fragile that stubbing a toe she broke all 4 toes and a bone in her foot. Just from a stubbed toe. And the arthritis is in all her muscles and joints, sometimes her hands are so bad that she has trouble opening her door.

A while back, I guess maybe January...not the one just past but the one before that. I had to tell my Mom news from my Doctor. Me like her 4 sisters has a medical condition that causes scaring in the fallopian tubes, making it hard for the egg to ever make it down to meet the sperm.And that chances were, I wouldn't be able to have kids. She was devastated, as was I. I always wanted a baby. So in February, we decided to try anyway. We were told it would probably never happen. Lets just try so later in life we could say we did. And why keep getting depo provera if I dont even need it (depo is a birth control injection, given every 3 months). So I didnt go for that months needle and we did it like rabbits. Sorry was that too graphic? When I mention my fallopian tubes Im assuming youve taken phys ed.

So one month later Im throwing up, every day. I knew right away I was pregnant. And I cant describe how happy I was. Somedays I regret my decision, some days I think of how much easier buying a house and getting a career would be if I didnt have a family to worry about. Then, I look at Laura, and know that this is exactly  how my life was meant to be. I love my baby. No other sperm and egg combo could be as great! I just wish it didnt come with so many stretch marks!

Tomorrow, Niagara Falls post.

Well this post is completely unplanned. So sorry if I go off on a tangent or forgot what I was writing about all together. Sometimes I do that. Like now, for instance.  The reason I decided to write this impromptu post is because today, when I went to check the Mommy Blogaries, like I do every morning I noticed that I had unpublished comments. Hmmm interesting, Im pretty sure I already published Justine's 1 comment per post , and here are some more. And not from Justine. Why is it so strange to me that that simple fact could make me feel happy. Someone else out there cares to read my thoughts? Finds my sarcasm and awkward jokes to be funny? I think thats just swell. So as per your request, this post will be about Laura. A brief little run down of my schedule, and the way I like things done. Now Im not saying the way that I do things are right (although in my opinion they are :D) so please do not decide that youa re going to do things as I do and then complain to me when they dont work. Every baby is different. Every baby learns differently and develops at different rates.
But enough of that, onto Laura, who is currently on her tummy time mat making hilarious sounds, all the more difficult for me to concentrate and write anything other then my internal monologue which is giggling madly.  I dont know if I have a parenting style. I think its a funny term. I guess because it varies so much. Laura was a winter baby, which may be fault to why we co-sleep...but in the same regards it would also make it responsible for me breast feeding exclusively for the first 5 months. We moved into a new house last summer, when I was preegnant with Laura. Heat was inclusive with the rent, but the down stairs tenents have the thermostat, little did I know how big of an issue it would be. See in such an old house it heated the downstairs up rreally quickly and then the upstairs was still cold. And it wasnt really that cold, maybe Im just making excuses. In the hospital, I had a c-section, it made it excruciating to mopve around, if I could do it again  I think I may have waited the week to see if she flipped back around so I could do it 'au naturel' . But because of the surgery that very first night I slept with her right in bed with me. Im a really light sleeper, the cats move three rooms down and I hear the floor squeek. So I wasnt really afraid Id roll on her, and since I was breast feeding it made sense to just keep her on me. Well that first nioght I fell in love. I mean I loved her at first sight and all, but the anesthetics they gave me for surgery were terrible, made me sick and woozey. everything was a blur until later that night. That night, just thinking of it gives me goose bumps. It reminds me of when I first fell in love with Trevor, back before all the hurt, that rush of warm love that ran through my veins setting me on fire. When I hugged her I felt that rush again, only stronger. I held her close and knew I would never let her go. Once home from the hospital I was still sore. My Mom came and helped out every day for the first month, her support was invauable, I dont know how I wouldve done it without her! Trevor would take care of us at night, make dinner and bring me things when I asked for them. I started making a 'nest'. Where I would sit on the couch with a blanket and push it so it looked like a little nest, with me in the center, scooped out bowl part of this nest. I would lay Laura in there at her boob, and when she was done eating she would go to sleep. Everyday I held her, even when she slept. Not really realizing I was causing an issue for later. Now, Laura being 6 months old, she has a problem going to bed  in her crib. I try at nap times, I want the transition to flow. But still sometimes, when shes had a rather cranky day I just hold her while she sleeps so i know shes getting her nap. By bedtime (9pm) Im so tired that I dont want to lay her in the crib and then get up with her every hour, Im always nice and calm and gentle, when Ive had some sleep. So when bedtime comes along, I just bring her to  bed with me. I sleep with my arm over her holding her hand, and I tuck the blanket under her so she cant roll away from me, but Im such a light sleeper, if she moves a muscle Im up. Trevor wants her in the crib. He doesnt like sharing our queen bed with a little baby. But again, when push comes to shove, he needs his sleep too. He would rather sleep on the end of the bed then hear me and Laura making so much noise at 11pm,1am,3am,4am,6am (and thats how it seems to go on nights i try to put her in the crib!)
Coming up Trev and I have a trip planned for Niagra Falls, for my birthday. It will be our first night away, and my first nights sleep. Im excited for the sleep part :D!  Im a little nervous about leaving Laura, I know she is all I will be able to think about, but Ill try and act like Im having a good time. Oh good news though, Jean (Trevs Mom) has to go work for the carnival so she cant watch Laura for one of the 2 days were gone, ohhh booooo! Oh no, a drunk chain smoker isn't going to neglectfully watch my baby, oh no, how ever will I deal? *victory dance*

So this morning, I feel like breaking some habits. For instance, every morning I wake up, go brush my teeth etc in the bathroom, change Laura and set her down on her play mat (she loves to play alone now, its kinda weird to me still.....shes not my little bean anymore shes a little girl :0! ) And sit down in front of the computer with a bowl of cereal. So yes I still went pee and changed Laura, but then normally I would check facebook, Mommy Blogaries ,email, weather network, oddee (love that site!), and then throw on the tv for background noise while I sit on the floor with Laura . Today  I decided to post however , for 2 reasons. 1- I miss Justine and this is my favourite method of communicating with her, and 2- Maybe someone else actually reads this and i should write for them. And myself too I suppose, I always loved writing as a kid, school too, but I think it was all the writing in school that I loved, that and ART!!!! But I loved to write, I wrote so much. Papers that would be required to be a page or two long would come back 8 or 9 pages long.
I have a secret goal. Want to know what it is? Its to one day write a book. What about you ask? Could you even hold a train of thought long enough to complete it? Would anyone even want to read it? Maybe. That is the answer I always come back with.. Ive always doubted myself , always needed others approval. Well no more. No more I say! (okay I know a bit much with that last no more, but Lauras no longer happy playing on the floor mat so I have to finish this early)

Sorry, Ill try and write again later !

So I realize logic would dictate that 'Hair part 2" be my next post. One problem, it takes sooooo long to do my hair. I hate long hair. HATE HATE HATE! Brushing alone is a tedious task that I loath. It doesnt help that when I ask Trevor to watch Laura so i can shower, brush, dry, and straighten my hair he doesnt turn off his game. Even if shes crying, he will try to hold her while he plays. Ya I know.
So tomorrow I will try to do ti all during nap time. Normally I use nap time to eat, but for you, and you know who you are, I will try to get some pictures :)
So Im not quite sure what Lauras deal is, but the last two months shes been waking up once, sometimes even twice a night. Like seriously, I feeel like Im close to breaking. When I get tired like this is the only time I really regret becoming a Mom. How terrible, I know. Maybe its exhaustion speaking. Its all me doing it. I know I know, Trevor works, he cant get up with ehr during the week, but tomorrow he has off, you would think he would get up with her for the first time in 5 months. Nope.
Its 3 am, and Laura has decided not to go back to sleep. Awesome. Just fucking spectacular. Now I get to sit here for 2 hours watching shitty nighttime weekend tv and fully wake up, just in time for her to go to bed.


I just dont even know what to say, Im so tired an angry.  I wish I wouldve realized what I was signing myself up for becoming a Mom. Im not an overly selfish person. But the thought that I will never get to be selfish again, never get to sleep a full night, never get to paint a painting or date or even wear a bikini (as my body is ruinned) is enough to bring me to tears. Its the sleep deprivation Im sure....or am I?

Here is a rough idea of my hair. I liked the blonde better then the red. Who knows maybe Ill go blonde??lol

After reading "an unexpected friend" I knew that I needed to post, ASAP! Preoblem one being that i was still holding Laura, who had fallen asleep in my arms. I know the days where I hold her all day are coming to an end, so i milk it when I can (aka when Trevors not here to bitch that I hold her too much and that shes going to get clingy) and today I could, but I wanted to write you. Im not sure if anyone reads this but you, but if they do, they can know how much I love you too!
So I set Laura down in her crib a little too hastily and now I can hear her babbling to herself. My time is limited, so Ill get on with it.
1st things 1st. You thought I was cooler then you? I dont think anyones ever said that to me before. I was never cool. Never. Not once did I ever belong to the in crowd, the main stream went one way and I always seemed to go the other direction.
I never moved as a kid, I kinda wish I had. Its like one day everyone made up their minds to hate me, to bully me and to push me into the mud. So I closed off. Completly shut down. I had friends growing up, one or two , but mainly my teachers, I loved school you see. I was very good at it, until grade 11, when i met him. and that all started to shift. I grew up in a household with no alcohol. Transitioning into his lifestyle was maybe too much for me. I kind of became his shadow, lost who i was and became just another part of him. His house, his family his friends, everything we did was his. I gave up seeing all my friends and became consumed by him. Like a drug, he was all i wanted.
We split up for 8 months or so, and when we did, after I got over the initial hurt, I started to become me again. I dressed up Amanda style (to those of you who dont know me, Id say Gagaish, but before gaga was gaga :D) but most of all, i started to paint again. i started to do photography again. I started to see people and do things and not just wait on his beck and call.  I still saw his best friend Corey, who went to my new high school. I was too embarrassed to go back to my old school, so i thought a new school new start might help. But same old me, same old habits.

But then I got weak. I decided to take a friend out to Hamilton and see him at work. Maybe the biggest mistake of my life. I think we could've gone our separate ways, had I just not gone to see him that night.  Needless to say we got back together.

I saw more and more of Corey and his new girlfriend. I remember at one of Trevs birthday parties, her being pregnant and wanting to leave the smoke and alcohol filled house, and me being a totall bitch, not understanding. I dont think I even fully understood until i was pregnant, how much being pregnant makes you hate alcohol. I cant imagine how terrible that party was for her. I wish I had known then, what i know now, I wouldve had her back. Instead I was to busy trying to sleep with Trev, instead of him sleeping with ashley *skank*ehem* I remember him waking up in the morning and not remembering who i was. I wont ever forget that hurt. Although, I probably will, when new hurts are piled up on top of that.

We went to movies together and played board games. But your right, I never really let you in. Up until that point I had been forced to hang out with all of Coreys gf's, as we were a foursome . I hated all of them. Girl after girl after girl, was nothing like me. Annoying, needy...frizzy lol. I eventually stopped making an effort. Why bother, when he was showing signs of having a new girl every week. Even once you came along. You were so quiet, shy and introverted, I didnt know how to talk to you. Shy people make me nervous as Im loud as hell!  And then shortly into your relationship Im hearing that your breaking up (around italy time? not sure when that fits in) from Trevor maybe, or perhaps just through the highschool rumour mill. And then next thing I hear is your pregnant. And so young. I didnt have sex for the first time until i was 17, in fact my first kiss was that year with Trevor as well. I didnt understand how or why it happened. Corey said you did it on purpose to keep him around. Now I know you wouldve liked quite the opposite.

Then, some time goes by, youve moved away, taking Corey with you, and trev is crushed. I mean devastated. His best friend of a liife time is gone. And you never wanted to come down. I always thought it was because you hated us, I didnt know at the time about the whole peggy fiasco. Trev was getting more and more upset, the longer time went on, so i promised for his sake , that i would try to be friends with you, so we could see yous more. Little did I know I was about to befriend one of the best people Ive ever met. And despite our age difference, we sure had a surprising amount in common. Even more so once I got pregnant with Laura. But we had only just scratched the surface. Once our lines of communication opened up I was astounded by how much we had in common. The cheating, the video games, the outcast feeelings and a 1001 other things on that list. It got to the point where I was so excited to talk to you that Trev actually asked me if we were having an affair. Maybe he was joking, but there was defintily a hint of seriousness to his voice.
I could only be so lucky. She is the most beautiful person inside and out. When i think of the series of unfortunate events that lead us together it makes me laugh. Tradgedy after tragedy, mistake after mistake- yet somehow we came out ok.
And now, at the end of it all, we have each other. Sappy? Yes I know. But something in me just feels all warm and fuzzy every time I think of her.

Last night I had an accident. Its something Ive been fearing for 10 months since I moved into this place, and last night, at 3 am it finally happened.
So a quick description of my front entrance is in order, as soon as you open the front door there is a stair case with 14 steps, then a landing and then 3 more steps straight ahead leading down a hall to the living room. Once on the landing, you can choose not to go straight and turn right, up 3 stairs to the two bed rooms.
So last night, 3 am, wake up for Lauras night time feeding, she used to sleep through the night, now shes back to eating mid night. So I wake up, pick her up and do my zombie walk to the living room, where half awake, I feed her and then we go back to bed.
In a friends post about ocd I had mentioned how I count steps when I walk at night. I count 1,2,3 landing, 1,2,3, hallway. Well last night I didnt count. I stepped one, two, and for some reason , I forgot about three. And down the stairs we went. Somehow, as exhausted and out of it as I was, I remembered I was holding Laura. The natural instinct when you fall is to throw your hands in front of yourself to break the fall. I however, somehow spun around and fell onto my back.
Thank you thank you thank you! I am so grateful to have fallen as I did. Or else chances are I would be sitting in emergency right now.
Im a little scrapped up and bruised, but its better then what couldve happened.
So next time your cursing yourself for those silly little habits you do, just remember, one of them might just be keeping you safe!

While friend, you say youve been emotional lately? Well get ready for some tears. A good variety of tears, some happy, some sad....its funny, how much we hormonal ladies cry. The pampers commercial gets me every time.

Heres a little story, actually it might be a long story, Laura is awake in her crib, I can hear her babbling, so it depends on how long she gives me to write before she starts screaming. And here I am wasting precious time.
A while back I met the man I am now......chained to with, and he has really remained much the same over these years. Women, we change faster then men do, quicker to catch onto things I suppose. So anyway, this man of mine. Hes a package deal, he has his family (whom I loath) and his best friend. For the sake of discretion lets call him Mr. Diabetic  (please stiffler your laughter as I dont want to draw Mr. Diabetics attention lol - and yes, Im really snickering!) SO anyways back to the story, laura is growing impatient and Im running out of time. So these two guys have been friends forever, all the way back to the trailer park, yes, i said it, the trailer park. SO for the sake of spending as much time with my boy as possible, I needed to hang out with his friend, who he was always with,  and his friends girlfriend,
who back in the day was this annoying girl jenny, hahahahaha ewww jenny.  So years go on, stuff happens, I dont know the full story, maybe some day Ill read a blog post about what really went down (hint hint!) but Mr. Diabeties and jenny break up, and he has a new girl friend, we will call her sexy red head (SRH) so for many years, I neevr really got to know SRH....sure we went to movies, played board games, went out, but I never really felt like we knew each other. I really kinda thought SRH didnt like me or something. But the years went on and we got closer and closer, secret after secret. Its funny that an accidental paring, a complet coincedence by chance, that I think I met my soul mate.
Now dont laugh, I dont mean Im in love with her. I just think that we are kindred spirits, that we are like minded even. And I am so greatful. How lucky am I that we were all where we were at the right times. That The boys were friends and we were forced together. Cause truth be told, I would have probably never met you. I mean your a bit younger then me, we wouldve never had any classes together, maybe never have even met. But Im glad we did. Because your right. Im not alone. I have you. And the more I get to know you, the more I like you, nay love you. You are honest and true, and those are rare qualities. You are a great Mom.
Oooooh speaking of being a Mom, someone is calling for me, so my thought is cut a little short....but I guess I wasnt saying much anyways. Just thinking...out loud.

I miss you already <3

oh.p.p.s.  Ill have a hair blog tomorrow <3

This is not the post I intended on writing. But then again...its not exactly the life I intended on living.

When a simple question turns instantly into a fight. A fight with wall punches. A fight with loud screaming in each others face. A fight that wakes the baby you just set down for nap.Over what your probably asking yourself? Nothing. Absolutly nothing. When I  approached him with my question, there was no hidden agenda behind it. No anger to the words leaving my lips. Just a question "what happened to that case of beer? Didnt you just buy it 2 days ago?". Snap, trigger pushed. "Im a grown man "he says " i do what i want when i want , I dont answer to you" ok, but you know your not a single bachelor right. that its not you its us? That its not your decisions its ours? "so a relationship means you tell me what to do then" he spits back, well no, I mean we both make choices, but we think of the other person when we make decisions tthat effect us both., like I do think its a problem if you spend 160 a month on 'smokes' and 80 a month on booze. Are those really your proirities? Over say a   house? Or a car? Dont you think its following a trend? Starting to look like a substance abuse problem to me. Your parents were alcoholics, doesnt mean you have to be too. Well now i know ive done it. Stirred the beast. Taken it from a simple observation to a venom spewing hate attack.  He says "i make all the money i get to spend it", okay so its all about you, fuck your wife and child? "well fuck the wife at least" now incredibly hurt i reply, all i do is care about you. every decision i make, every path i choose i do it with you in mind. "well maybe thats the problem. you care about me more then i care about you"


And a stunned silence fills the spot where my heart used to be.

I tell him to leave. Just go. And he does. I know  He'll be back. He wont leave her. Hed leave me if he could but not her. Im not sure why. he doesnt ever take care of her oor give two shits about her when Im needing a break and ask him to watch her for 20 minutes so i can shower. NO is always his answer. Like hes done working, hes done his part, leave him alone to play his stupid video game for the next 7 hours until  he goes to bed.
I follow him out the door. making sure to flick the dead bolt with extra vigor. Even though I know he has a key. And he can get in just as easily. Something in me is satisfied that he has to stop at the door. Maybe its the wasting his time that I enjoy. Maybe its the 5 extra seconds Ill have to prepare what Im going to say to him.

And I wish i could understand. How things can be so good and so bad at the same time. How for 3 weeks we can go without so much as a slight dissagreement , and them BAM, a give it all youve got fight, where the goal is not constructive, but quite the opposite. Its the type of fight that you do everything you can, say everything you can, just to hurt them. Dig your claws in a little deeper, make it hurt a little harder.

Im sure it will work out. It has to. We ahve a kid together. So choices are, work it out or go to court. That Id prefer not to do. I KNOW he is not capable of taking care of her on his own, nor would he try, he would let his drunk of a mother raise her. She would probably die of an asthma attack that his mom would never hear while shes throwing another party for another excuse to drink, and not be alone.
And so we work it out. Never apologizing. Never fixing the issues. Just acting like it never happened. Problem with that is, you never forget the things that are said to you. And I wont.
Ill do exactly as you say I should. I will stop caring so much. Stop making my schedule so it fits into your and I can see you as much as possible. Because you dont care if Im here. Dont care if Ive been waiting all day to see you. Eagerly watching the clock waiting for it to be time to see you. I wont. From now on all that matters is me, Laura and our friends.
He will regret telling me not to care. Because once Im done investing into myself, all my workouts and new clothes and hair and i start doing my make up again, instead of cleaning up after your sloppy ass, and people start to notice me, you will be jealous. You will miss what you pushed away. But guess what?
I wont miss you.

What would you do for a friend? Would you climb a mountain? Would you take a bullet? Would you write a late blog post and hope that your only follower and loyal reader enjoys the post and keeps reading ? Would you take on the whole world? For some friendships I think I would. But what happens when you were wrong about a friend in your life? A friend you've known since you were 6! I did, and that leaves me wondering......how well can you really know someone? I mean really, we spend all our time finding out every little detail about people, people we want to be friends with. We ask them questions about themselves : What movies do you like? Whats your favourtie colour? Oh you like football, do you play? etc etc, each question with one goal...to know this person a little better. But you dont really. I mean yes you know they like blue, but Im starting to think that none of those things matter. People constantly change. Every event that we go through shapes us a little more and a little more. Sure when you were a little kid you liked pink, NO you adored pink, but now you really love a crisp forest green, and not just that but your views and opinions on well most things at least. I was going to say everything, but thats not quite true, as I still love drawing....some things never change.

So yes, back to why I went on and on about friends. A few days ago, last day of March to be precise, I found out my Mom has breast cancer ( by the way id just like to say a quick little FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!) *ehem* anyways my mood was rather low as you can very well imagine. April 1st comes along, a good friend of mine, one who Ive known since I was six, posts her FaceBook status (yes I know how lame that a relationship of such calalibur can be ruined by facebook!) as single. I read the 30 comments asking if she was serious or if its a joke and she wrote it was real. So i messaged her in live chat and asked her if she was ok, was this for real? She wrote back yes, that he was kicking her out and was trying to take her two baby girls from her. Now this conversation went on for honestly 30 minutes. It was in depth about the failures of their relationship. At the end of this talk She told me her mother was on her way to come get them and she had to run and pack. She lives an hour or so from here, and she took down my number with a pen on her hand (or so she lied) and told me she would call as soon as she got here. Hours go by and still no word. I message another friend of hers and she knows nothing as well. I message her older sister , shes worried too,, she hasnt heard anything. I even message her Mom!! And guess what, her mother never even talked to her! She doesnt even know anything is going on. So I try to reach my friend again, no answer. I think something serious must have happened. Then another 6 hours later, her sister writes me and said my friend, actually lets say ex-friend, called her back, it was a joke.
Like REALLY????? You dont joke about a few things. Death, the well being of your family, winning money, and Im sure theres more bt really! Wouldnt it have been a good time to tell me it was a joke in the chat? Like when she saw how concerned I was, to just say "Amanda, Im sorry I got you so worked up, it was a joke, I didnt mean it to go so far" it wouldve been over. But no. She says Im a dumb gullible bitch who needs to get a sense of humor ! Ha. ahahahahahahahahahaha, oh man, can I even describe how angry I was. Well needless to say we both went on a back and forth hatefest after I told her her 55 year old fat unemployed drug dealing loser of a pedophile boyfriend must have brain washed her. And maybe he has. As the girl I ended my longest relationship with was not the smae little sweet heart I grew to love. SHe kept  saying that I always have to one up her, that Im always better then her and shes tired of all my drmam and attention seeking. Haha uhhhmmm .....Im sorry? Like really. Im just glad that I think I might be able to let this one go. Im a little compulsive when it comes to holding onto things and storing them inside. Im a terrible internalizer of problems, but no more! I dont need that drama, I have such good things in my life! Like Laura, who is patiently watching me from her chair.

She is amazing. I know every Mom thinks that of her baby, but really, how cant you?!?! She is 4 months old already, I remember her being just a little bean, she slept all the time and we cuddled day and night. There still alot of cuddling, but she wants to sit up now, like a people as her Father would say LOL. I hold her too much maybe, but I cant help it, all I want to do is hug her, squeeze her right back into my tummy . In fact I feel a small tinge of guilt to be letting her sit there all alone. Maybe because she cant play with toys or anything yet. I mean really....she doesnt look that unhappy ! I hope this post is long enough for Justine, who right now may be the only person reading this, so to keep my reader(s?) happy, I will try to be more diligent with my posts.

So Im writing this soley to appease my lovely Mommy friend Justine. Yesterday I found out my Mom,. the most important person in my life, next to Laura of course, has breast cancer. In the past 10 years she has lost both her parents to cancer, and her health has been on a steady decline the past 4 years. She has severe osteoporosis and arthitis , saying Im worried ofr her is an understatement. So understandably Im not in a very talkative mood. Also, Laura is asleep on my lap, she passed out while on her boob. So needless to say Im stretching to reach the key board. My arms are burning from th effort. But so is my sence of guilt, for not having written sooner. Tomorrow, I promise to match the length of your post today. With pictures too.

So this might be a little late, as I did tell a certain awesome someone *ahem*Justine*ehem* that I would write last night. But one thing lead to another and BAM it was 9:20, and Laura was out for the night and ready for bed, and really....so was I! The one thing that I think ALL Moms can relate to is exhaustion! I am just so tired and lazy its unbelievable. I mean things get done, don't get me wrong, my house is always/usually tidy. But its like pulling teeth. At least my reason for procrastination is pretty legitimate, I was snuggling my little baby. Who by the way is breaching on not being a little baby anymore. She can stand in an excersaucer for gods sake. Agh! How can that be, that my little cuddly bean is now a squiggling piglet  !
So Yesterday was fun, we went to Walmart and bought a ton of stuff again. One of said stuff being a wicked jolly jumper. With Zebras on it, I'll have pictures soon. Laura's awake now so I gotta run, Ill try and write again later.

How Laura came to be.....
First we should start with the decision to have her. Unlike many pregnancies that occur in
peoples early 20's, this one was intentional. And not just a pleasant surprise. Now Im not sure how much information Id like to disclose, Im sure over time I will become more comfortable and choose to fill in some of the blanks that will be left in this story. But for the mean time , I will tell it as best as possible. Trevor and I had been together for 6 years of on again off again intence magnetism. No matter what we did we always seemed to end up together. He was my first real boyfriend and even the first boy Id ever kissed. I knew that one day we would get married and have babies. Who in the world wouldve guessed that 15 year old me was right?!
So after some on again off again dating, Trev and I moved in together in my parents basement, where we toughed out being adults living under my parents. Who I love, dont get me wrong, but when you get to a
certain age you just cant live under someone elses rules. Im sure you know what I mean! So after a year in the dungeon like basement (and I only say that because its an unfinished basement in a 100 year old home....so yeah kinda dungeon like) we decided to spread our wings and get our first ever apartment. It was the most exciting thing we had experienced up to that point. And man the freedom was nice. The bills....not so much. But we managed somehow, and our love grew. Branching off a little bit, the women on my mothers side are terribly unfertille.Of my Moms 6 sisters only 2 were able to naturally have children, a third was able but only after 3 inseminations! My Aunts all have some condition, that causes scaring in the fallopian tubes, blocking eggs from being ever released. When I was 17, I had abnormal cramping and was sent to a specialist, who told me I would not be able to have children as I too had blocked tubes. How tragic. Young me, looking forward to the house and family I would one day have, only to be told that my house would remain empty, desolate, free of childrens laughter, etc etc Im sure you get the point. So I put on my brave face and went on with life. Trevor and I got a bigger better apartment and continued moving up in life. Then, last Christmas, tragedy struck my family with the death of my Grandmother. My Mother took it hardest as she had already lost her father to cancer several years prior. In that moment I realized that my Mom would never have any grandchildren, as my sister is autisic and unable to have children. I had not yet told my Mom what the Doctors had told me.I felt crushed. Terrified that I would have to bring my Mother down further into a feeling of
hopless despair. So I decided not to tell her. To wait. Maybe in 5 years she wouldnt take it quite so hard
maybe she would accept that I was like her sisters and would have to simply adopt. At this point Trevor
and I had abandoned birth control. If I cant get pregnant, why would I pay to prevent it??
Well, if you havent been able to tell already, this is a happy story full of hope. Hope to any woman who has ever been told she cant have babies. Dont give up! So back to the story, we were told we couldnt have babies, but we tried anyway. And low and behold, just a few short months after my Gramma passed be concieved Laura. She truely is amazing and I am so thankful for her every day. I could honestly hold her in my arms forever!  Even if that means Im critisized by everyone for never putting her down! As Mothers we often
disagree with what other parents deem 'right', and thats ok, but in the end, I know best!

Next, Laura's journey here, aka, my pregnancy, and then following that I think I will share her
birth story. Thanks for reading!

xoxo

So for quite a while now I have wanted to start a blog, for exactly how long, I cant quite remember, but what I do remember is that there was always an excuse not to. It seems that there is always an excuse standing in the way of the things I want to do. Well no more! As of tonight my internal monologue is now external. And very publicaly online! ......But what to say. How do I properly establish the tone of this here blog. Do I treat it like a diary, and ignore the fact that people read it (at least Justine I hope!) ? Or do I try and better the world with my vast knowledge of things? Maybe it will be a combination of the two. Sometimes I will post things to make you laugh, and other times I may just have you in tears. The only thing I can promise is to be honest. Sometimes brutally so, I may even offend you or state opinions that clash with your own strong views. Feel free to leave comments to my posts and let me know exactly how you feel, good or bad.
I recently became a Mom. Its wonderful. Mainly. When shes not screaming at me at 3 am that is. But most days she is my beautiful sweet little angel, and I have a feeling that although I have every intention to expand to a wide array of subjects over the course of time, that my strong focus will be on my experience as a Mom. I may even have words of advice from time to time. But please, let me spare you the time and trouble. I am not an expert. Nor do I claim to be so. So please dont write me and say that what I said didnt work or wasnt helpful to you. What do you want me to do....apologize? So like I said, I can share with you my sucess stories, and hopefully they will help you, but they are in no way fool proof ways to parenting.
Wow, that was a mouthful. I have alot to say. I just never know how to go about saying it. Like in what order. Should I start at the beggining? Do a life story of myself, leading up to this moment in time. Or maybe just start at Laura's begining with her birth story. Maybe Ill leave that up to you. Leave me some feed back (if anyone is reading this, this early on) and Ill try and include your comments in my next post.
For now Ill leave it at that. But dont worry , this wont be the last you hear from me.