Loving Laura

I know its been a while since Ive posted. Too long some would say *cough*Justine*cough* , so I thought Id try and write something quickly while Laura's in her play pen. I probably don't have long, Laura woke up this morning at 5:30 (ick!) so shes pretty cranky.  I am too I guess....but that's nothing new. I haven't written in a while because Ive just had nothing nice to say, and my Momma always taught me 'if you don't have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all '....which evidently does not work too well for me as it leaves me silent.
Im not sure when I started being such a negative nancy. My glass is always half empty. Someone elses grass is always greener. And instead of watering my grass, more often then not I just say 'screw this grass' and stop caring entirely. Which is also not really working for me. So somethings got to change. I'm not really sure what that something is, but I'm searching tirelessly for it. I'm trying to do more of what makes me happy, problem is....I just don't seem to know what that is anymore. I draw (not nearly enough) but I never create. I doodle, and scribble, but I never have a thought behind it, no message or reason. All my messages are too.....dark. I feel angry. Alone. Abandoned. These things should push me to create amazing touching pieces of work, but they don't. They leave me instead playing sims for 2 hours, when I could be painting. 


There is one constant in my life though. One thing that makes me happy and keeps me going. And that thing is not a thing at all. She is my little girl Laura. And on Friday she will be one. ONE. How is that possible? Has it really been a year since I had my baby? Its funny, you always hear people say 'ahh it feels like yesterday', but its true! I can still remember the soft glow of the hospital lights, the gentle hum of the machinery. Laura curled up in the crook of my arm. The nurses would come in and offer to take her to the nursery, let me get some sleep. "No thank you" I would tell them, we're fine here, and I would cuddle back into her. If I hadn't known better I would have thought that Id died in the surgery and gone to heaven, cause that's how it felt. An eternal hug. A never ending embrace. The love of a mother and her new baby. I have felt very nostalgic the past few weeks as I watched the calendar count down to the day that changed my life. Changed me. 
I can remember coming home with her and spending endless time snuggled up with her in a cocoon made of blankets. Days turned into nights and back again, and I never put her down. People would warn me "oh you better put her down in her swing (or crib or whatever) you don't want her to be clingy". I'm glad now that I ignored that advice. For had I listened to them, I would've missed out on an hour of the most precious days of my life. Its funny, you think you will remember it all, but you don't. As hard as you try to hold onto those moments they slip through your fingers. But the feeling of tenderness never leaves. Holding her then, I couldn't wait for her to grow, to interact with me, to hug and kiss me and to say "mum". Now those things have happened, time has sped by and my baby isn't so small anymore. In fact she is a little adult. And she is amazing. So smart and funny and pretty, Its a wonder I don't tear up every time I look at her. Cause she is just that amazing! Its the little things really. Like how she will walk any day, she can stand up in the middle of the room with nothing to pull herself up with, and just stand and smile at me. She doesn't need words I know shes thinking "look Mom I'm doing it I'm doing it!", then she flops down on her bum and charges over at me to give me a 'hug' which to Laura is laying her head on my knee and letting out the little sigh. The other day she nodded for the first time. Trevor and I lost our minds laughing. We were playing catch, and she had caught the ball and we were telling her to throw it back, nodding in encouragement and she picked up the ball, and with wide eyes and a Cheshire grin she nodded back, slowly and exaggeratedly at first, then more deliberately. Now whenever you ask Laura anything she nods. Yesterday the cat walked by and meowed at her and she nodded at him. It was so funny I just had to walk across the room to her, scoop her up in my arms and kiss her soft little neck creases. I love her chubby little neck! Every morning when we wake I kiss that little neck and think how lucky I am to be her Mom. And as I sit her writing this I look out my window that looks down on a school yard. Kids all running and playing and their Moms standing by the fence watching them with love. One day my baby will be in school, and people wont see her as a baby anymore....but I  will. I will still remember our long days of cuddling, and how she looks to see if I was watching everytime she does something new. How she will walk up to the computer and point and then dance and I know she wants me to play music for her. How excited she was the first time I let her eat table food, and how shocked she was when I yelled because she threw it at the tv. 
As Moms we often don't get much time to ourselves, but when we do we spend it counting down the minutes until we get to hold our babies again. Even as I write this, I'm wondering why I haven't heard Laura yelling for me to come get her. Chances are shes just sitting there quietly reading her book, but the Mom in me wants to go ruin this quiet time and peek my head in the door. Its funny, even after I had her I never thought of myself as 'Mom'....it just felt weird to call myself that. People would call to see how we were doing and say things like "hey momma, hows it going?" and it always made me laugh. Oh yeah Im a mom! But now, I couldnt see myself as anything but Mom. Its not just dna,its who I am. I am her friend. Her caregiver and safe keeper. Her source of advice and wisdom. Her sun and shining star. Sometimes its hard to be the center of someones universe. But other times, times like these, I'm reminded how wonderfully lucky I was to have her. To know her. To love her. 


Laura will be one on Friday. Her very first birthday.  She doesn't know it yet, but she will always have me by her side.