Loving Laura

So I'm not sure why I'm posting now. I'm having a hard time coming up with what to say. I truly have been rendered speechless; which is almost funny if you know me.

Speaking of me. Sometimes I need it to be about me. ME ME ME! I feel like I'm always there for everyone else. I listen when people talk about themselves. They go on and on and on, not once do most (<3Justine) of my friends ever pause and ask "So how are you Amanda?" No...they don't. I'M always the one reaching out to people, touching base.....Ill ask you how you are and how you've been doing.. Then this is where most of the ....assholes jerks I talk to answer the question and either tangent off into something else about them or stop messaging.
Even sometimes family does this. Not my sister, shes a rock. She gives me hope. But take for instance yesterday. I visited my mother in the morning and she talked about her new job (yay) and everything going on at home and such. She didn't ask how i was doing......maybe I'm being sensitive. I'm sure I am. That's what I do. I'm a 'feeler'. A while back I took the aptitude class put on by a college and there were about 20 people in my group. Everyone took the test. About half of the group got orange - (I don't remember exactly but...) energetic, outgoing adventurous etc. Then 1/4 of the people left got yellow, and the other people got green. And me, just me was in blue. Now once we had these colours we learned more about our personality types, jobs that make people like us happy.....and then it was two weeks of group work. See where I'm going here? Yup, everyone had friends and people to sit with and talk to and i spent the two weeks alone doing the group work of 1. Its been this way since I was a little girl. And the colour blue, in this group at least, meant emotional, internal, artistic, different.  Weird right?!
Anyway, that was a pointless rant to show even a test that doesn't know me can figure me out. And that's sad. Because some people in my life just cant.

And yesterday, shit hit the fan. I don't really know what to say just yet.

I really don't know what to say.

And I ALWAYS have something to say.

In other news- I am going to try my hardest not to gain weight with the obesity of this grief. I guess I don't really love 'me' either right now.....so why would I expect others to. I need to whip my butt in shape. Both literally and figuratively.

I am going to apply for school.
I am going to get a job in the mean time. Something nights...
I am going to continue to paint, draw and sculpt and whatever the fuck else my artistic self leads me to do.
I will not crumble.
I will take better care of myself. And change my hair. I hate it. Once I stop crying. I'm going to put on makeup
I'm going to make new friends.
I'm going to finish Laura's book.
I will not crack.
I will exercise until I can no longer move. Then Ill do it some more. 15 down. 40 to go.
I need to find 'me' again. That fire that's been put out. And douse gasoline on what flames are left.


That's all for now. Sorry for the static thoughts. That's just how my brain is 'functioning' right now.

So I guess its been a while since Ive written here. I suppose that is because I have been releasing stress in other ways. Lately Im doing alot more around the house, its hard to keep up with a walking baby, who is basically a food tornado. But Im really giving it my best. In all aspects too, not just cleaning. Im really trying to get 'me' back as well. Doing my nails, straightening my loooong ass hair (that I REALLY need to get cut!...and dyed but that will have to wait :s  because I have a  big party coming up, but more on that later) spending the hour on my makeup, well more like 40 minutes really, even when doing my make up recently Ive just done 'less'. But still, I dont feel like me. And I know why that is, Ive just been lazy and let it slide. That terrible thing? My weight. I know Im not terribly obese or anything, but 50-60 lbs less and I know I will be alot happier. Something else is always a priority. Playing with Laura, cleaning up the mess from playing with Laura, feeding Laura and cleaning Laura. The daily cleaning and laundry. Oh dont forget sleeping when I can. That doesnt really leave alot of time for going to the gym. But Im going to start trying harder. If I have time and energy to walk to the store and get chocolate,  then I should be able to have the money to go to the Y, and the energy to work myself till I hurt. I also need to work on portioning, as I know that eating healthy will only get you so far if your eating a mountain of it ( slight exaggeration) .....but I really am trying.

In other news. Laura is fantastic. Sleep depriving, but fantastic. She walks and climbs, and gets into and onto anything and everything, so i guess its time to call her a toddler. Scary and exciting. As she learns to do more on her own I will have more 'me' time , but then she will need me less. Speaking of needing me, she is currently yelling at me now, so Im going to just post this now and hope that i can make time later to tell you about le partay!