Loving Laura

For the past 7 years, Ive missed out on alot. Good time with friends. Valuable time spent with family. Time invested into my passions and dreams.For one main reason. I was waiting around. Waiting for the person whose pressence is like swimming in a sea of ecstasy. Ok, maybe thats a bit much. But thats the way teenage me felt. I didnt care if friends wanted me to go out, or my Mom wanted to go shopping. I wanted to sit and be with 'him'. We spent alot of time together, over the years. Often sitting and doing nothing more then enjoying one and others company. But gradually over the years, the scales tipped, and we were no longer each others main past time activity.
He took up various hobbies and sports, while I remained the same, sitting and waiting for him to come home. I would often sit for hours and hours just waiting for him to be done whatever thing he was doing. And then there would always be a fight. Me: why were you so long? Ive been sitting here waiting for you for 5 hours!` Him: why?
That 'why?' was always a stab through my pride. Why? WHY?!? Why because you love me and should want to spend time with me, like I do with you.
But after years and years Ive finished with waiting. Ive decided to live my life, with or without 'him'. Today was a great example of that. Laura and I slept in ( :D I know right!!! woohoo 8:30!!!) and we rubbed the sleep from our eyes, ate some oatmeal and headed out for the day. 1st we went to the park , whewre Laura enjoyed the fresh green grass before it gets covered with crisp fall leaves, and eventually snow. Then we walked and got some Timmies (a must on every walk!) and Laura had her 1st timbit. We got on the bus and rode to Walmart for some much needed retail therapy, aka shopping lol. We got a HUGE bag of cat food, as wally mart is the only place that carries 9.5 kg (22 lb!) bags of cat food. We then went through the kid section and looked at toys and felt textures, Laura not being a big fan of bumpy things. We went through the book section and pushed the buttons on the books that make sound. We both bought a pair of snazzy new shoes, and laura got a couple of fall out fits. We went through the make up section while Laura was very patient for Mommy to pick out a nice nude lipstick to help her feel fly. (Ill do my hair and make up and post pics tomorrow) and then we went to the grocery store where I bought a chicken caeser salad for lunch and we bused home. After a little nap, we got dressed up again, this time in her new duds, and we walked down town to the jazz festival. There we looked at art, fresh art as it was being worked on right on the street. We listened to sweet jazz on 3 different stages and danced and laghed and ran through the park. We were about to head home when I heard a phenomenal female jazz singer, so we turned back around and headed into this cute little coffee place where I got a cafe mocha (MMMM Justine :p) and a cookie and we sat on the patio enjoying the sweet sounds echoing off the surrounding buildings. Finally Laura had had enough outings for the day as she began rubbing her eyes. Were home now and Laura is enjoying her books (ok so she only chews on them, at least shes digesting some literature hahaha) before bath time and bed. What a great day, that we would have never had had I been waiting on him to come home.
From now on, we will wait on no one. We will enjoy every adventure that comes our way. xoxo

Isnt that how life always seems to go? You make some progress and then an inevitable road block plops itself in your way thwarting your plans.

So its been a while since Ive Laura updated, and theres a lot to update! She had starting getting up on her knees about 3 weeks ago, and she was doing this weird chameleon lurching thing. And then a couple days later she would get up on her hands and knees and walk her hands backwards pushing herself up onto her feet. She even attempted bear walking for a little bit, and then she just stopped trying. Some where in that week she was busy learning other things, i was just too focused on the crawling. I never noticed when she started being able to get from her belly to her butt. Or to sit up from her back to be butt. But the next week she decided to try crawling again, and was pretty smooth. And three days later she was in hyper speed and zoomed everywhere! Then this past week she has mastered standing. Without help might I add. She can stand herself up on anything! Even a wall, which has nothing to hold onto so I was pretty amazed! She is even pushing around her toys now trying to walk.
I knew these things would happen. Of course I did....but why tthen does it all feel too soon? I feel like just last month she was still my little bean, all she did was cuddle and sleep in my arms all day. I want to laugh at all the people who always lectured me to put her down in her crib. "ohhh you should hold her all the time, put her down" HA! And miss precious cuddle time? Not on your life! She is not yet 10 months and already I can see a little person looking up at me. She has such a strong personalitly. Like her mama :)  Shes defiant and loves testing me! She is curious and clever, she is funny and adventurous. And I love her. I love her so much I wonder who I was before I had her. I look at pictures and I dont even think Im the same person. There was a selfishness in me before that is long extinct. Everything I have I would give to her. I dont think I couldve said that of Amanda a few years ago. But time passes and people change.

I can still remember last winter. So vividly and clear. Im taking a moment to write about that because Im afraid I wont always remember the feeling of those times. Old memories are always replaced with new ones, no matter how hard we try to hold on! The house was not set up like it is now (Trev likes moving furniture around) the play room used to be the living room, and I remember it being dimly lit (as it was winter, not alot of natural lighting) as we had a floor lamp, one of the ones that branches off 5 different ways, and I always had it on the dimmest setting. I remember that I was so sore from the caesarean that I couldnt walk around much. So I never really used my change table,. I kind of made myself a nest. I know that sounds funny, but its the best way I can think to describe it. I had a little book shelf next to the couch where i had the breast pump, the diapers ,wipes, clothes, blankets etc, and drinks and snacks on top of course. And there was a blue ottoman that I would put my feet up on. I had three HUGE blankets and 4 pillows and I would build up a blanket nest all around me, making it perfect, then I would lay Laura down right against my belly, and thats where she hung out. She spent almost all of her time snug against my chest. I didnt need to move her, I could just wip out the boob and nurse. Its funny, I kind of miss breast feeding. I stopped because she got teeth. And shes a bitter, she will bite your arm if you sit still long enough next to her. Apparently I was a bitter too. But I miss those cuddle times. I spent at least three months doing nothing but that. Holding and snuggling my gorgeous baby girl.  I had no idea that something so small could make me feel so special. When I think back to those times Im over whelmed by feelings of rushing warmth. I can see the dimly lit blanket nest and me and my baby all curled up inside. I even slept with her at night, despite being told not to. But those were the best night of my life. sleeping on arm over her and one eye open (figuratively speaking). And I remember one night in particular. It had been a hard day, she had been colicky and I just didnt know what to do. I was stressed, I was tired and i was feeling desperate, I  decided to go to bed an hour early and go lay down in bed with her. We were laying face to face, nose to nose, and I reached out and stroked her cheek, ever so gently. Her eyes were closed and she rubbed her face into my hand, much like a kitty does. I whispered "I love you" and still with her eyes closed , she smiled. The biggest sweetest smile. Her first smile. (holy crap, I just had one of those mommy moments, and teared up, that normally only happens for pampers commercials !) There were other great moments too, like when shes on the brink of sleep she will reach up and stroke my cheek now, and let out a little sigh, like she is just so happy Mom is there. But no special moment stands out in my mind like that first smile. 

And now, now she stands? Shes learning to walk? She can crawl away from me and dosnt need me to hold her anymore? She plays every morning in the pen for an hour, and sometimes when i go to get her, she doesnt even care. She just keeps on playing. Like oh, its just Mom...no biggie.  But at night, Im everything . She wont take a bottle from Trev, only Mom. And at about 4 am, she doesnt want to sleep in the crib any more, she will stand up and call, " MOm MOM mom mum mmmmoomm momomomomomom MOM MOM MOM!" until I get up and scoop her up and bring her to bed with me. Which i know is probably creating a bad habit, and I know Im just giving her dependency issues or whatever.......but truth be told Im way to tired to wake up at 4, and part of me really loves cuddling with her. Thats all she wants is to cuddle. Which is fine as Trevor doesnt sleep in the bed any more. (thats a whole other long ass story, for which I will save for another post, or maybe a visit?? EHEM! VISIT! JUSTINE!!) he doesnt want to be disturbed by her waking. Which I think is nonsense as there is no where in this little house that you wouldnt be able to hear her crying.  So for a while he was sleeping on the floor, then he bought an air mattress, and now he sleeps on that. SO im guessing its permanent. Us sleeping in separate rooms. I feel more like room mates then a couple any more. Its funny. I remember thinking that having a baby would bring us closer, but truth is, the stress of a baby brakes most couples up. The financial strain is alot more then any one ever prepares you for, and the sleep deprivation really takes a toll after a while. But really, people just change. They evolve and grow. Well some do. And others just stay the same. The ones who grow often grow too much, and cant relate to the person they were once so connected to. If your not catching the reference...Im the grower. It may take me a few years to get out of this funk, to get Laura off to school. To get back in shape. But look out world. Im coming for you! And Im leaving behind all the losers when I do!