Loving Laura

Dont get me wrong I plan on sketching and conceptualizing these next few weeks, but Ive decided upon ordering my art supplies online.....better selection the Walmart, although no instant gratification , so theres always that down fall. Man I am so tireed I can barely make sence of the words as Im typing them. Gah. I plan on having a nap when grumpy mcgee does, maybe then Ill feel like less of a zombie.
I like zombies. Which is weird as I HATE horror movies, Im a scardy cat. But really, I CANT watch them. My imagination is too vivid and I would drive myself into a padded room if I get any more terrifying ideas in the head of mine. But I like the walking dead series. The comics mainly, Ive read them all so far, which makes me pretty excited to watch the series unfold. Tv series that is. Told you Im tired.

Im going to quit this post while Im still ahead.
Good night, or good morning I guess

So its raining outside. There goes todays plans. Which were, before the rain, to walk to the library and pick a new book, by a new author, one Ive never read before. Step out side the comfort zone, Ive grown to feel too safe inside. But again, rain. Rain rain go away.....well actually, no dont...you can stay. Ive been asking for rain for quite a few days now, to break the humidity, and now that its finally here, i just dont have the heart to wish it away.
So what to do, what to do. Other then laugh at Laura, who has a new way of moving around. And who looks at me, with raised eyebrows which are all too familiar, until I look back. I can feel her gaze, intense, burning into the side of my face. Willing me to turn and look at her. Then she laughs. Just a short soft laugh, but one of accomplishment. Then she goes on with talking to her self while examining her feet. Oh to be a baby again. You spend your whole childhood wishing and rushing to grow up, not realizing that your racing through the best part of life. The entirety of our adult lives is spent trying to recapture the joys of our youth. Life just looses its sparkle after a while. But then, when you think the whole world is dull and boring, you become a parent. Its almost like reliving those times, seeing the amazement and wonder on her face as she learns everything for the first time. To sit and wait for her to look up at me, just to make sure Im watching. It warms me up with a love I thought was long extinguished. Its this love that I try to remember when I have moments of doubt. Doubt of the path I chose. Everyone has those moments I think. Some are more honest to their selves then others, but time to time I think everyone wonders 'what if...' ?
I started reading a new blog, (http://warriorgirl.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-am-not-lost-i-am-just-in-camouflage.html ) (that link is to a post that really resonated with me) and she says that she used to think becoming a Mom destroyed the artist in her, but now she realizes that the life she chose does not stand in the way of the life she dreamt of. That it doesnt have to be either ,or. And I am more determined then ever to persue art again. Enough of my fears thinking it wont be good enough or I may be rejected, fuck it. SO what if I am. At least I can say I tried. If I died, without ever having tried, would I have lived at all?

So tonight Im hoping to go get art supplies. And after Laura goes down for bed, instead of mindlessly staring at the computer screen, Im going to paint.

Ok ok, I know, I owe you a full post. a post soooo long that your eyes blur over before you get to the bottom. But truth be told, I just dont have it in me. Ive been in such a lazy rut lately, I havent been doing much of anything. Laura has just been up so much, Im not getting any sleep at all, which results in me zombie walking through the house all day. They say (and by they I mean various internet sources) that different things will cause your baby not to sleep through the night at this age. These things being : - milestone waking, which occurs after your baby has learned a new skill, like rolling over or sitting up. See babies learn alot in their sleep, so sometimes they will figure something out while asleep and wake up so excited to try it. Silly but cute!  -teething, but can you blame them? And it can last up to 3 years! ahhh kill me now! -and finally, a physical upset, like a wet diaper, hunger, discomfort, or simply not being tired. Although I must admit, as nervous as I was to stop co-sleeping (almost 2 months ago now) Im almost getting more sleep....if it weren't for this cruel heat. I hate summer. Always been a fall person, shorts and a sweater, pants and a tank top. But I can be patient and wait for fall. 8 months have just flown by, I feel like all I did was blink. And now Laura's starting to crawl, like a backwards inchworm, its adorable, but it makes me sad to think how fast she is growing. I can no longer cuddle with her on my lap, she squirms and fusses to get away. Little miss independent already!
Im trying to get back into the swing of things though, I really am. I took the time to paint my nails yesterday, both my toes and my fingers! Amazing I know :) I used this new crackle coat nail polish...have you seen it?

Also, a while back you might remember a post about my hair? well it didnt turn out well, not well at all!!!So this week, after becoming tired of me complaining about my orange hair for the billionth time, Trevor nicely suggested "why dont you go fix it then?", ohhhhh I think I may ! So I remembered a hair style that I was uber in love with, from a trashy tv show I watched a while back, I found a picture for you to hold you over until I take the time to curl or straighten my hair.

And it looks just like it! Im so happy! My hair never turns out the way I want it to, but for once it did! Hooray! Yahoo! Now i just wish I had a girl friend to show.

Man Laura is SOOOOO active! Its really hard to write. She can now get from her bum to her belly and then roll away , ahahaha my days of sitting on the couch are almost over I guess. Which is fine as Im tired of my fat ass! I try so hard to be and eat healty, but all it takes is one day of lazyness, and bam, Im back on the junk food wagon. Wow, Laura almost just rolled off the couch, I guess Ill have to wrap it up. What I think I was trying ot write about before the endless distractions, was that Im trying to get back to being  myself. The last few days I even took the time to put on makeup! And for my one reader who knows me, she knows how much I love my protective shield of fantabulous colours and designs that I smear (lol!) onto my lids. Now if only I would wake up and be 50 lbs lighter, then Id really feel great! But one step at a time! After the weight loss then I can buy clothes that fit and flatter me again, instead of my maternity sweats, ugghh!  But I have a new source of inspiration, thanks to the sexy and fiery red head Justine. Pinterest. Its funny, since Ive had access to the internet (years ago at my parents house) I have made file folders for pictures I would download off of various sites. Things that inspired me, or things I wanted to use as a reference for a new art project. Well it turns out someone else did this too, and theyve turned it into a website! Its funny, when I first went onto it I was kinda laughing at it, like really this is it? This is what shes been raving about? 216 pins after only a few days later and Im no longer laughing! This shit is addictive! But I like it, its something thta I can actually refer to for ideas and inspiration, without having ot download all of these files onto my hard drive!
All these inspirations will come in handy for phase 2 of my 'return to being Amanda and not just a Mommy plan'. Phase 1 being to look good again,, as when you look good you feel good, therefore you do good. Phase 2 is to get back all my old hobbies (or new ones if the old ones no longer interested me....which they do) so I have in the last 2 weeks read three books, reading has always been a strong passion of mine! And Ive been pursuing photography again, poor Laura lol! Ive been singing again, Ive been singing since I was a little girl and jut abruptly stopped, I sing almost everyday now and I can feel the joy slowly seeping back into my veins. Ive returned to my nature walks, which is good for both an activity and exercise . And the final thing on my list (so far) is to start doing art again. Thats probably the biggest thing I miss in my life. I used to do art (soome form of it at least, whether it was painting, or sculpting or just doodling) every day. I dont remember the last time I sat down to draw. Part of the problem is I dont have many supplies left, Ive never gone to buy any...ever. Its always just been things that were given to me for birthdays and Chirstnases....and mostly from walmart, nothing of quality ever. Theres a nice art store in hamilton, but its hard for me to get there. It just came to my attention that theres an art store in town. I hope to go see it soon.
Well Laura has had enough of independant play and is screaming and throwing things. Got to  run, I hope this was a long enough post to keep you content until I post again .