Loving Laura

So I realize logic would dictate that 'Hair part 2" be my next post. One problem, it takes sooooo long to do my hair. I hate long hair. HATE HATE HATE! Brushing alone is a tedious task that I loath. It doesnt help that when I ask Trevor to watch Laura so i can shower, brush, dry, and straighten my hair he doesnt turn off his game. Even if shes crying, he will try to hold her while he plays. Ya I know.
So tomorrow I will try to do ti all during nap time. Normally I use nap time to eat, but for you, and you know who you are, I will try to get some pictures :)
So Im not quite sure what Lauras deal is, but the last two months shes been waking up once, sometimes even twice a night. Like seriously, I feeel like Im close to breaking. When I get tired like this is the only time I really regret becoming a Mom. How terrible, I know. Maybe its exhaustion speaking. Its all me doing it. I know I know, Trevor works, he cant get up with ehr during the week, but tomorrow he has off, you would think he would get up with her for the first time in 5 months. Nope.
Its 3 am, and Laura has decided not to go back to sleep. Awesome. Just fucking spectacular. Now I get to sit here for 2 hours watching shitty nighttime weekend tv and fully wake up, just in time for her to go to bed.


I just dont even know what to say, Im so tired an angry.  I wish I wouldve realized what I was signing myself up for becoming a Mom. Im not an overly selfish person. But the thought that I will never get to be selfish again, never get to sleep a full night, never get to paint a painting or date or even wear a bikini (as my body is ruinned) is enough to bring me to tears. Its the sleep deprivation Im sure....or am I?

Here is a rough idea of my hair. I liked the blonde better then the red. Who knows maybe Ill go blonde??lol

After reading "an unexpected friend" I knew that I needed to post, ASAP! Preoblem one being that i was still holding Laura, who had fallen asleep in my arms. I know the days where I hold her all day are coming to an end, so i milk it when I can (aka when Trevors not here to bitch that I hold her too much and that shes going to get clingy) and today I could, but I wanted to write you. Im not sure if anyone reads this but you, but if they do, they can know how much I love you too!
So I set Laura down in her crib a little too hastily and now I can hear her babbling to herself. My time is limited, so Ill get on with it.
1st things 1st. You thought I was cooler then you? I dont think anyones ever said that to me before. I was never cool. Never. Not once did I ever belong to the in crowd, the main stream went one way and I always seemed to go the other direction.
I never moved as a kid, I kinda wish I had. Its like one day everyone made up their minds to hate me, to bully me and to push me into the mud. So I closed off. Completly shut down. I had friends growing up, one or two , but mainly my teachers, I loved school you see. I was very good at it, until grade 11, when i met him. and that all started to shift. I grew up in a household with no alcohol. Transitioning into his lifestyle was maybe too much for me. I kind of became his shadow, lost who i was and became just another part of him. His house, his family his friends, everything we did was his. I gave up seeing all my friends and became consumed by him. Like a drug, he was all i wanted.
We split up for 8 months or so, and when we did, after I got over the initial hurt, I started to become me again. I dressed up Amanda style (to those of you who dont know me, Id say Gagaish, but before gaga was gaga :D) but most of all, i started to paint again. i started to do photography again. I started to see people and do things and not just wait on his beck and call.  I still saw his best friend Corey, who went to my new high school. I was too embarrassed to go back to my old school, so i thought a new school new start might help. But same old me, same old habits.

But then I got weak. I decided to take a friend out to Hamilton and see him at work. Maybe the biggest mistake of my life. I think we could've gone our separate ways, had I just not gone to see him that night.  Needless to say we got back together.

I saw more and more of Corey and his new girlfriend. I remember at one of Trevs birthday parties, her being pregnant and wanting to leave the smoke and alcohol filled house, and me being a totall bitch, not understanding. I dont think I even fully understood until i was pregnant, how much being pregnant makes you hate alcohol. I cant imagine how terrible that party was for her. I wish I had known then, what i know now, I wouldve had her back. Instead I was to busy trying to sleep with Trev, instead of him sleeping with ashley *skank*ehem* I remember him waking up in the morning and not remembering who i was. I wont ever forget that hurt. Although, I probably will, when new hurts are piled up on top of that.

We went to movies together and played board games. But your right, I never really let you in. Up until that point I had been forced to hang out with all of Coreys gf's, as we were a foursome . I hated all of them. Girl after girl after girl, was nothing like me. Annoying, needy...frizzy lol. I eventually stopped making an effort. Why bother, when he was showing signs of having a new girl every week. Even once you came along. You were so quiet, shy and introverted, I didnt know how to talk to you. Shy people make me nervous as Im loud as hell!  And then shortly into your relationship Im hearing that your breaking up (around italy time? not sure when that fits in) from Trevor maybe, or perhaps just through the highschool rumour mill. And then next thing I hear is your pregnant. And so young. I didnt have sex for the first time until i was 17, in fact my first kiss was that year with Trevor as well. I didnt understand how or why it happened. Corey said you did it on purpose to keep him around. Now I know you wouldve liked quite the opposite.

Then, some time goes by, youve moved away, taking Corey with you, and trev is crushed. I mean devastated. His best friend of a liife time is gone. And you never wanted to come down. I always thought it was because you hated us, I didnt know at the time about the whole peggy fiasco. Trev was getting more and more upset, the longer time went on, so i promised for his sake , that i would try to be friends with you, so we could see yous more. Little did I know I was about to befriend one of the best people Ive ever met. And despite our age difference, we sure had a surprising amount in common. Even more so once I got pregnant with Laura. But we had only just scratched the surface. Once our lines of communication opened up I was astounded by how much we had in common. The cheating, the video games, the outcast feeelings and a 1001 other things on that list. It got to the point where I was so excited to talk to you that Trev actually asked me if we were having an affair. Maybe he was joking, but there was defintily a hint of seriousness to his voice.
I could only be so lucky. She is the most beautiful person inside and out. When i think of the series of unfortunate events that lead us together it makes me laugh. Tradgedy after tragedy, mistake after mistake- yet somehow we came out ok.
And now, at the end of it all, we have each other. Sappy? Yes I know. But something in me just feels all warm and fuzzy every time I think of her.

Last night I had an accident. Its something Ive been fearing for 10 months since I moved into this place, and last night, at 3 am it finally happened.
So a quick description of my front entrance is in order, as soon as you open the front door there is a stair case with 14 steps, then a landing and then 3 more steps straight ahead leading down a hall to the living room. Once on the landing, you can choose not to go straight and turn right, up 3 stairs to the two bed rooms.
So last night, 3 am, wake up for Lauras night time feeding, she used to sleep through the night, now shes back to eating mid night. So I wake up, pick her up and do my zombie walk to the living room, where half awake, I feed her and then we go back to bed.
In a friends post about ocd I had mentioned how I count steps when I walk at night. I count 1,2,3 landing, 1,2,3, hallway. Well last night I didnt count. I stepped one, two, and for some reason , I forgot about three. And down the stairs we went. Somehow, as exhausted and out of it as I was, I remembered I was holding Laura. The natural instinct when you fall is to throw your hands in front of yourself to break the fall. I however, somehow spun around and fell onto my back.
Thank you thank you thank you! I am so grateful to have fallen as I did. Or else chances are I would be sitting in emergency right now.
Im a little scrapped up and bruised, but its better then what couldve happened.
So next time your cursing yourself for those silly little habits you do, just remember, one of them might just be keeping you safe!

While friend, you say youve been emotional lately? Well get ready for some tears. A good variety of tears, some happy, some sad....its funny, how much we hormonal ladies cry. The pampers commercial gets me every time.

Heres a little story, actually it might be a long story, Laura is awake in her crib, I can hear her babbling, so it depends on how long she gives me to write before she starts screaming. And here I am wasting precious time.
A while back I met the man I am now......chained to with, and he has really remained much the same over these years. Women, we change faster then men do, quicker to catch onto things I suppose. So anyway, this man of mine. Hes a package deal, he has his family (whom I loath) and his best friend. For the sake of discretion lets call him Mr. Diabetic  (please stiffler your laughter as I dont want to draw Mr. Diabetics attention lol - and yes, Im really snickering!) SO anyways back to the story, laura is growing impatient and Im running out of time. So these two guys have been friends forever, all the way back to the trailer park, yes, i said it, the trailer park. SO for the sake of spending as much time with my boy as possible, I needed to hang out with his friend, who he was always with,  and his friends girlfriend,
who back in the day was this annoying girl jenny, hahahahaha ewww jenny.  So years go on, stuff happens, I dont know the full story, maybe some day Ill read a blog post about what really went down (hint hint!) but Mr. Diabeties and jenny break up, and he has a new girl friend, we will call her sexy red head (SRH) so for many years, I neevr really got to know SRH....sure we went to movies, played board games, went out, but I never really felt like we knew each other. I really kinda thought SRH didnt like me or something. But the years went on and we got closer and closer, secret after secret. Its funny that an accidental paring, a complet coincedence by chance, that I think I met my soul mate.
Now dont laugh, I dont mean Im in love with her. I just think that we are kindred spirits, that we are like minded even. And I am so greatful. How lucky am I that we were all where we were at the right times. That The boys were friends and we were forced together. Cause truth be told, I would have probably never met you. I mean your a bit younger then me, we wouldve never had any classes together, maybe never have even met. But Im glad we did. Because your right. Im not alone. I have you. And the more I get to know you, the more I like you, nay love you. You are honest and true, and those are rare qualities. You are a great Mom.
Oooooh speaking of being a Mom, someone is calling for me, so my thought is cut a little short....but I guess I wasnt saying much anyways. Just thinking...out loud.

I miss you already <3

oh.p.p.s.  Ill have a hair blog tomorrow <3

This is not the post I intended on writing. But then again...its not exactly the life I intended on living.

When a simple question turns instantly into a fight. A fight with wall punches. A fight with loud screaming in each others face. A fight that wakes the baby you just set down for nap.Over what your probably asking yourself? Nothing. Absolutly nothing. When I  approached him with my question, there was no hidden agenda behind it. No anger to the words leaving my lips. Just a question "what happened to that case of beer? Didnt you just buy it 2 days ago?". Snap, trigger pushed. "Im a grown man "he says " i do what i want when i want , I dont answer to you" ok, but you know your not a single bachelor right. that its not you its us? That its not your decisions its ours? "so a relationship means you tell me what to do then" he spits back, well no, I mean we both make choices, but we think of the other person when we make decisions tthat effect us both., like I do think its a problem if you spend 160 a month on 'smokes' and 80 a month on booze. Are those really your proirities? Over say a   house? Or a car? Dont you think its following a trend? Starting to look like a substance abuse problem to me. Your parents were alcoholics, doesnt mean you have to be too. Well now i know ive done it. Stirred the beast. Taken it from a simple observation to a venom spewing hate attack.  He says "i make all the money i get to spend it", okay so its all about you, fuck your wife and child? "well fuck the wife at least" now incredibly hurt i reply, all i do is care about you. every decision i make, every path i choose i do it with you in mind. "well maybe thats the problem. you care about me more then i care about you"


And a stunned silence fills the spot where my heart used to be.

I tell him to leave. Just go. And he does. I know  He'll be back. He wont leave her. Hed leave me if he could but not her. Im not sure why. he doesnt ever take care of her oor give two shits about her when Im needing a break and ask him to watch her for 20 minutes so i can shower. NO is always his answer. Like hes done working, hes done his part, leave him alone to play his stupid video game for the next 7 hours until  he goes to bed.
I follow him out the door. making sure to flick the dead bolt with extra vigor. Even though I know he has a key. And he can get in just as easily. Something in me is satisfied that he has to stop at the door. Maybe its the wasting his time that I enjoy. Maybe its the 5 extra seconds Ill have to prepare what Im going to say to him.

And I wish i could understand. How things can be so good and so bad at the same time. How for 3 weeks we can go without so much as a slight dissagreement , and them BAM, a give it all youve got fight, where the goal is not constructive, but quite the opposite. Its the type of fight that you do everything you can, say everything you can, just to hurt them. Dig your claws in a little deeper, make it hurt a little harder.

Im sure it will work out. It has to. We ahve a kid together. So choices are, work it out or go to court. That Id prefer not to do. I KNOW he is not capable of taking care of her on his own, nor would he try, he would let his drunk of a mother raise her. She would probably die of an asthma attack that his mom would never hear while shes throwing another party for another excuse to drink, and not be alone.
And so we work it out. Never apologizing. Never fixing the issues. Just acting like it never happened. Problem with that is, you never forget the things that are said to you. And I wont.
Ill do exactly as you say I should. I will stop caring so much. Stop making my schedule so it fits into your and I can see you as much as possible. Because you dont care if Im here. Dont care if Ive been waiting all day to see you. Eagerly watching the clock waiting for it to be time to see you. I wont. From now on all that matters is me, Laura and our friends.
He will regret telling me not to care. Because once Im done investing into myself, all my workouts and new clothes and hair and i start doing my make up again, instead of cleaning up after your sloppy ass, and people start to notice me, you will be jealous. You will miss what you pushed away. But guess what?
I wont miss you.