Loving Laura

I planned on having Laura. Most people my age who become parents, its on accident, but us, we planned this. I wish (sometimes) that we had been able to wait, as now that I look to going to school in January, its much harder now that I have Laura. For starters my Mom will have to watch her all day everyday, while Im in class. Now my Mom is only 47, but she is very unhealthy. Which makes me sad, always just a little floating in the back of my mind. before the devastating news that she has cancer, she was already out of work and fighting with severe osteoarthritis and osteoporosis. Which means, for those of you fortunate to have never had a loved one suffer with, is that her bones are so fragile that stubbing a toe she broke all 4 toes and a bone in her foot. Just from a stubbed toe. And the arthritis is in all her muscles and joints, sometimes her hands are so bad that she has trouble opening her door.

A while back, I guess maybe January...not the one just past but the one before that. I had to tell my Mom news from my Doctor. Me like her 4 sisters has a medical condition that causes scaring in the fallopian tubes, making it hard for the egg to ever make it down to meet the sperm.And that chances were, I wouldn't be able to have kids. She was devastated, as was I. I always wanted a baby. So in February, we decided to try anyway. We were told it would probably never happen. Lets just try so later in life we could say we did. And why keep getting depo provera if I dont even need it (depo is a birth control injection, given every 3 months). So I didnt go for that months needle and we did it like rabbits. Sorry was that too graphic? When I mention my fallopian tubes Im assuming youve taken phys ed.

So one month later Im throwing up, every day. I knew right away I was pregnant. And I cant describe how happy I was. Somedays I regret my decision, some days I think of how much easier buying a house and getting a career would be if I didnt have a family to worry about. Then, I look at Laura, and know that this is exactly  how my life was meant to be. I love my baby. No other sperm and egg combo could be as great! I just wish it didnt come with so many stretch marks!

Tomorrow, Niagara Falls post.

Well this post is completely unplanned. So sorry if I go off on a tangent or forgot what I was writing about all together. Sometimes I do that. Like now, for instance.  The reason I decided to write this impromptu post is because today, when I went to check the Mommy Blogaries, like I do every morning I noticed that I had unpublished comments. Hmmm interesting, Im pretty sure I already published Justine's 1 comment per post , and here are some more. And not from Justine. Why is it so strange to me that that simple fact could make me feel happy. Someone else out there cares to read my thoughts? Finds my sarcasm and awkward jokes to be funny? I think thats just swell. So as per your request, this post will be about Laura. A brief little run down of my schedule, and the way I like things done. Now Im not saying the way that I do things are right (although in my opinion they are :D) so please do not decide that youa re going to do things as I do and then complain to me when they dont work. Every baby is different. Every baby learns differently and develops at different rates.
But enough of that, onto Laura, who is currently on her tummy time mat making hilarious sounds, all the more difficult for me to concentrate and write anything other then my internal monologue which is giggling madly.  I dont know if I have a parenting style. I think its a funny term. I guess because it varies so much. Laura was a winter baby, which may be fault to why we co-sleep...but in the same regards it would also make it responsible for me breast feeding exclusively for the first 5 months. We moved into a new house last summer, when I was preegnant with Laura. Heat was inclusive with the rent, but the down stairs tenents have the thermostat, little did I know how big of an issue it would be. See in such an old house it heated the downstairs up rreally quickly and then the upstairs was still cold. And it wasnt really that cold, maybe Im just making excuses. In the hospital, I had a c-section, it made it excruciating to mopve around, if I could do it again  I think I may have waited the week to see if she flipped back around so I could do it 'au naturel' . But because of the surgery that very first night I slept with her right in bed with me. Im a really light sleeper, the cats move three rooms down and I hear the floor squeek. So I wasnt really afraid Id roll on her, and since I was breast feeding it made sense to just keep her on me. Well that first nioght I fell in love. I mean I loved her at first sight and all, but the anesthetics they gave me for surgery were terrible, made me sick and woozey. everything was a blur until later that night. That night, just thinking of it gives me goose bumps. It reminds me of when I first fell in love with Trevor, back before all the hurt, that rush of warm love that ran through my veins setting me on fire. When I hugged her I felt that rush again, only stronger. I held her close and knew I would never let her go. Once home from the hospital I was still sore. My Mom came and helped out every day for the first month, her support was invauable, I dont know how I wouldve done it without her! Trevor would take care of us at night, make dinner and bring me things when I asked for them. I started making a 'nest'. Where I would sit on the couch with a blanket and push it so it looked like a little nest, with me in the center, scooped out bowl part of this nest. I would lay Laura in there at her boob, and when she was done eating she would go to sleep. Everyday I held her, even when she slept. Not really realizing I was causing an issue for later. Now, Laura being 6 months old, she has a problem going to bed  in her crib. I try at nap times, I want the transition to flow. But still sometimes, when shes had a rather cranky day I just hold her while she sleeps so i know shes getting her nap. By bedtime (9pm) Im so tired that I dont want to lay her in the crib and then get up with her every hour, Im always nice and calm and gentle, when Ive had some sleep. So when bedtime comes along, I just bring her to  bed with me. I sleep with my arm over her holding her hand, and I tuck the blanket under her so she cant roll away from me, but Im such a light sleeper, if she moves a muscle Im up. Trevor wants her in the crib. He doesnt like sharing our queen bed with a little baby. But again, when push comes to shove, he needs his sleep too. He would rather sleep on the end of the bed then hear me and Laura making so much noise at 11pm,1am,3am,4am,6am (and thats how it seems to go on nights i try to put her in the crib!)
Coming up Trev and I have a trip planned for Niagra Falls, for my birthday. It will be our first night away, and my first nights sleep. Im excited for the sleep part :D!  Im a little nervous about leaving Laura, I know she is all I will be able to think about, but Ill try and act like Im having a good time. Oh good news though, Jean (Trevs Mom) has to go work for the carnival so she cant watch Laura for one of the 2 days were gone, ohhh booooo! Oh no, a drunk chain smoker isn't going to neglectfully watch my baby, oh no, how ever will I deal? *victory dance*

So this morning, I feel like breaking some habits. For instance, every morning I wake up, go brush my teeth etc in the bathroom, change Laura and set her down on her play mat (she loves to play alone now, its kinda weird to me still.....shes not my little bean anymore shes a little girl :0! ) And sit down in front of the computer with a bowl of cereal. So yes I still went pee and changed Laura, but then normally I would check facebook, Mommy Blogaries ,email, weather network, oddee (love that site!), and then throw on the tv for background noise while I sit on the floor with Laura . Today  I decided to post however , for 2 reasons. 1- I miss Justine and this is my favourite method of communicating with her, and 2- Maybe someone else actually reads this and i should write for them. And myself too I suppose, I always loved writing as a kid, school too, but I think it was all the writing in school that I loved, that and ART!!!! But I loved to write, I wrote so much. Papers that would be required to be a page or two long would come back 8 or 9 pages long.
I have a secret goal. Want to know what it is? Its to one day write a book. What about you ask? Could you even hold a train of thought long enough to complete it? Would anyone even want to read it? Maybe. That is the answer I always come back with.. Ive always doubted myself , always needed others approval. Well no more. No more I say! (okay I know a bit much with that last no more, but Lauras no longer happy playing on the floor mat so I have to finish this early)

Sorry, Ill try and write again later !