Loving Laura

This is not the post I intended on writing. But then again...its not exactly the life I intended on living.

When a simple question turns instantly into a fight. A fight with wall punches. A fight with loud screaming in each others face. A fight that wakes the baby you just set down for nap.Over what your probably asking yourself? Nothing. Absolutly nothing. When I  approached him with my question, there was no hidden agenda behind it. No anger to the words leaving my lips. Just a question "what happened to that case of beer? Didnt you just buy it 2 days ago?". Snap, trigger pushed. "Im a grown man "he says " i do what i want when i want , I dont answer to you" ok, but you know your not a single bachelor right. that its not you its us? That its not your decisions its ours? "so a relationship means you tell me what to do then" he spits back, well no, I mean we both make choices, but we think of the other person when we make decisions tthat effect us both., like I do think its a problem if you spend 160 a month on 'smokes' and 80 a month on booze. Are those really your proirities? Over say a   house? Or a car? Dont you think its following a trend? Starting to look like a substance abuse problem to me. Your parents were alcoholics, doesnt mean you have to be too. Well now i know ive done it. Stirred the beast. Taken it from a simple observation to a venom spewing hate attack.  He says "i make all the money i get to spend it", okay so its all about you, fuck your wife and child? "well fuck the wife at least" now incredibly hurt i reply, all i do is care about you. every decision i make, every path i choose i do it with you in mind. "well maybe thats the problem. you care about me more then i care about you"


And a stunned silence fills the spot where my heart used to be.

I tell him to leave. Just go. And he does. I know  He'll be back. He wont leave her. Hed leave me if he could but not her. Im not sure why. he doesnt ever take care of her oor give two shits about her when Im needing a break and ask him to watch her for 20 minutes so i can shower. NO is always his answer. Like hes done working, hes done his part, leave him alone to play his stupid video game for the next 7 hours until  he goes to bed.
I follow him out the door. making sure to flick the dead bolt with extra vigor. Even though I know he has a key. And he can get in just as easily. Something in me is satisfied that he has to stop at the door. Maybe its the wasting his time that I enjoy. Maybe its the 5 extra seconds Ill have to prepare what Im going to say to him.

And I wish i could understand. How things can be so good and so bad at the same time. How for 3 weeks we can go without so much as a slight dissagreement , and them BAM, a give it all youve got fight, where the goal is not constructive, but quite the opposite. Its the type of fight that you do everything you can, say everything you can, just to hurt them. Dig your claws in a little deeper, make it hurt a little harder.

Im sure it will work out. It has to. We ahve a kid together. So choices are, work it out or go to court. That Id prefer not to do. I KNOW he is not capable of taking care of her on his own, nor would he try, he would let his drunk of a mother raise her. She would probably die of an asthma attack that his mom would never hear while shes throwing another party for another excuse to drink, and not be alone.
And so we work it out. Never apologizing. Never fixing the issues. Just acting like it never happened. Problem with that is, you never forget the things that are said to you. And I wont.
Ill do exactly as you say I should. I will stop caring so much. Stop making my schedule so it fits into your and I can see you as much as possible. Because you dont care if Im here. Dont care if Ive been waiting all day to see you. Eagerly watching the clock waiting for it to be time to see you. I wont. From now on all that matters is me, Laura and our friends.
He will regret telling me not to care. Because once Im done investing into myself, all my workouts and new clothes and hair and i start doing my make up again, instead of cleaning up after your sloppy ass, and people start to notice me, you will be jealous. You will miss what you pushed away. But guess what?
I wont miss you.