Loving Laura

So I promised a certain best friend of mine that i would make a blog post tonight with pictures of little Miss Julia's painting that i did for her. Well...its not done. Yes i know , theres no point of being a perfectionist for a painting intended for a two year old, but its simply not finished. I cant lower my standard of work, even for a little cutie who would be happy with a splat of paint on a canvas. We as artists are always harsher on ourselves then our audiences are. See every flaw and slip up, no matter how well they are disguised. Maybe its a good thing. To judge yourself so harshly, to push yourself to do greater things. But most of the time its just a hinderance. If I cant do it perfectly why do it at all? Well thats whats been running through my head on loop for two years now.

I think it all started in grade 12 art, I made a sculpture for art class, for my final. It was an open assignment, no rules or confinements, let your artistic self soar. So I did. I put every ounce of my heart and soul into that sculpture. Every creative thread I had was woven into the countless hours I spent sculpting. Lunch breaks, after school, sometimes Id even skip class just to go in and sculpt. (man Im getting chills just thinking of where this story is going). So 2 months later, after spending more time on this then on any other project in my life, I was satisfied. Which is amazing in itself, as Im NEVER satisfied.
So off into the kiln it went, I even chose to forgo the glazing as I was so happy with the end result I didnt want its perfection to be marred by a colourful glaze. What i didnt know, was that the grade 9 sculptures were also going into the kiln. And what I also had no knowledge of was the fact that one of those grade nines, having no experience with clay neglected to do the first and vital most step to sculpting, which is to kneed the clay. For those of you who are not artists, you kneed the clay to get out any trapped air bubbles. If you dont do this, the air bubble will expand in the kiln and since there is no room for it to expand it will explode.
Yes, I said it, explode. And sitting next to that unnecessary and preventable explosion was my sculpture. *tear*
Now as you could imagine , I was DEVASTATED! No thats not even a strong enough word. I was crushed into pieces as was my hard work and all of my artistic soul. And not only that, but for sooooome reason the dumb art teacher (not nearly as great as the BCI art teachers whom I loved, as she was always sitting on her ass and reading, which seemed to be a trend with pj teachers) decided to bring it out and tell me while I was writing my effing exam! Yeah, I know! What was she thinking? COuldnt she have brought it out after I handed in my exam which I had just barely started! So needless to say I failed. The test, wouldve failed art too as she hadnt marked it before baking it, but she mustve had some heart as she gave me a 52% to graduate highschool. A 50! holy moly, for those of you who know me, I have never gotten a 50, in any class, let alone art. The lowest mark i ever got in art was an 82 and I beat myself up about that.
I still have it. I think so at least. Its at my parents house, in a box in the basement. I couldnt bring myself to take it with us to our new place. It felt like failure was stamped on my head, and everything I did was pointless. Its funny sad how all it takes is one bad comment to destroy a dream. Since I was a little girl Ive been an artist. You would never see me anywhere without my sketch book and pencils. It was all of who I was. And then it was all taken away from me in a flash ( I understand now that thats not true). I stopped drawing. I stopped painting. I even stopped with photography. What was the point? Id only fail.
years went by and one by one my loves died off. I stopped reading. Stopped going on nature walks. I fell into a hole of sorrow, and Im sorry if that sounds dramatic to you, but I was litterally intrenched in sadness. Not just because of this one project, but at the sudden realization that I would never be an artist.

Two long years went by, and little by little I got my rhythm back. I went on walks, read books, saw friends and started listening to music again. From time to time Id even sit down with my sketch book to draw, but nothing would happen. Id just stare at the blank page, and feel defeated. Then, after a whole bunch of drama, Im sure Ill make a post about it someday, I got pregnant with Laura. And a spark i thought to be long extinguised burned strong in my gut. Or maybe that was just heart burn, but anyways, I had a feeling to paint. SO I painted for Laura. And they were shit. Seriously shitacular. I thought I had lost my 'skill'. Silly me. I was just out of practice. And I still am. Its like an athlete, who quit running and became a couch potatoe, and then one day decides to run a marathon and is upset when they cant.
Little by little I hope to get it back. Im just so happy to have to urge again. Its like fire in my veins, compelling me to greatness. Or so I hope!

In a side note, Id like to thank Justine, for reminding me that friendship is real, and that no matter what hard times come our way, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I am so saddened that the end took place in such horrible circumstances, but at the same time Im glad you were here. Where people had your back. And remember, I will ALWAYS have your back. Now that being said here are some pictures <3

Until next time (which will be this week when I finish Julia's painting) I bid you farewell  <3

Dont get me wrong I plan on sketching and conceptualizing these next few weeks, but Ive decided upon ordering my art supplies online.....better selection the Walmart, although no instant gratification , so theres always that down fall. Man I am so tireed I can barely make sence of the words as Im typing them. Gah. I plan on having a nap when grumpy mcgee does, maybe then Ill feel like less of a zombie.
I like zombies. Which is weird as I HATE horror movies, Im a scardy cat. But really, I CANT watch them. My imagination is too vivid and I would drive myself into a padded room if I get any more terrifying ideas in the head of mine. But I like the walking dead series. The comics mainly, Ive read them all so far, which makes me pretty excited to watch the series unfold. Tv series that is. Told you Im tired.

Im going to quit this post while Im still ahead.
Good night, or good morning I guess

So its raining outside. There goes todays plans. Which were, before the rain, to walk to the library and pick a new book, by a new author, one Ive never read before. Step out side the comfort zone, Ive grown to feel too safe inside. But again, rain. Rain rain go away.....well actually, no dont...you can stay. Ive been asking for rain for quite a few days now, to break the humidity, and now that its finally here, i just dont have the heart to wish it away.
So what to do, what to do. Other then laugh at Laura, who has a new way of moving around. And who looks at me, with raised eyebrows which are all too familiar, until I look back. I can feel her gaze, intense, burning into the side of my face. Willing me to turn and look at her. Then she laughs. Just a short soft laugh, but one of accomplishment. Then she goes on with talking to her self while examining her feet. Oh to be a baby again. You spend your whole childhood wishing and rushing to grow up, not realizing that your racing through the best part of life. The entirety of our adult lives is spent trying to recapture the joys of our youth. Life just looses its sparkle after a while. But then, when you think the whole world is dull and boring, you become a parent. Its almost like reliving those times, seeing the amazement and wonder on her face as she learns everything for the first time. To sit and wait for her to look up at me, just to make sure Im watching. It warms me up with a love I thought was long extinguished. Its this love that I try to remember when I have moments of doubt. Doubt of the path I chose. Everyone has those moments I think. Some are more honest to their selves then others, but time to time I think everyone wonders 'what if...' ?
I started reading a new blog, (http://warriorgirl.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-am-not-lost-i-am-just-in-camouflage.html ) (that link is to a post that really resonated with me) and she says that she used to think becoming a Mom destroyed the artist in her, but now she realizes that the life she chose does not stand in the way of the life she dreamt of. That it doesnt have to be either ,or. And I am more determined then ever to persue art again. Enough of my fears thinking it wont be good enough or I may be rejected, fuck it. SO what if I am. At least I can say I tried. If I died, without ever having tried, would I have lived at all?

So tonight Im hoping to go get art supplies. And after Laura goes down for bed, instead of mindlessly staring at the computer screen, Im going to paint.

Ok ok, I know, I owe you a full post. a post soooo long that your eyes blur over before you get to the bottom. But truth be told, I just dont have it in me. Ive been in such a lazy rut lately, I havent been doing much of anything. Laura has just been up so much, Im not getting any sleep at all, which results in me zombie walking through the house all day. They say (and by they I mean various internet sources) that different things will cause your baby not to sleep through the night at this age. These things being : - milestone waking, which occurs after your baby has learned a new skill, like rolling over or sitting up. See babies learn alot in their sleep, so sometimes they will figure something out while asleep and wake up so excited to try it. Silly but cute!  -teething, but can you blame them? And it can last up to 3 years! ahhh kill me now! -and finally, a physical upset, like a wet diaper, hunger, discomfort, or simply not being tired. Although I must admit, as nervous as I was to stop co-sleeping (almost 2 months ago now) Im almost getting more sleep....if it weren't for this cruel heat. I hate summer. Always been a fall person, shorts and a sweater, pants and a tank top. But I can be patient and wait for fall. 8 months have just flown by, I feel like all I did was blink. And now Laura's starting to crawl, like a backwards inchworm, its adorable, but it makes me sad to think how fast she is growing. I can no longer cuddle with her on my lap, she squirms and fusses to get away. Little miss independent already!
Im trying to get back into the swing of things though, I really am. I took the time to paint my nails yesterday, both my toes and my fingers! Amazing I know :) I used this new crackle coat nail polish...have you seen it?

Also, a while back you might remember a post about my hair? well it didnt turn out well, not well at all!!!So this week, after becoming tired of me complaining about my orange hair for the billionth time, Trevor nicely suggested "why dont you go fix it then?", ohhhhh I think I may ! So I remembered a hair style that I was uber in love with, from a trashy tv show I watched a while back, I found a picture for you to hold you over until I take the time to curl or straighten my hair.

And it looks just like it! Im so happy! My hair never turns out the way I want it to, but for once it did! Hooray! Yahoo! Now i just wish I had a girl friend to show.

Man Laura is SOOOOO active! Its really hard to write. She can now get from her bum to her belly and then roll away , ahahaha my days of sitting on the couch are almost over I guess. Which is fine as Im tired of my fat ass! I try so hard to be and eat healty, but all it takes is one day of lazyness, and bam, Im back on the junk food wagon. Wow, Laura almost just rolled off the couch, I guess Ill have to wrap it up. What I think I was trying ot write about before the endless distractions, was that Im trying to get back to being  myself. The last few days I even took the time to put on makeup! And for my one reader who knows me, she knows how much I love my protective shield of fantabulous colours and designs that I smear (lol!) onto my lids. Now if only I would wake up and be 50 lbs lighter, then Id really feel great! But one step at a time! After the weight loss then I can buy clothes that fit and flatter me again, instead of my maternity sweats, ugghh!  But I have a new source of inspiration, thanks to the sexy and fiery red head Justine. Pinterest. Its funny, since Ive had access to the internet (years ago at my parents house) I have made file folders for pictures I would download off of various sites. Things that inspired me, or things I wanted to use as a reference for a new art project. Well it turns out someone else did this too, and theyve turned it into a website! Its funny, when I first went onto it I was kinda laughing at it, like really this is it? This is what shes been raving about? 216 pins after only a few days later and Im no longer laughing! This shit is addictive! But I like it, its something thta I can actually refer to for ideas and inspiration, without having ot download all of these files onto my hard drive!
All these inspirations will come in handy for phase 2 of my 'return to being Amanda and not just a Mommy plan'. Phase 1 being to look good again,, as when you look good you feel good, therefore you do good. Phase 2 is to get back all my old hobbies (or new ones if the old ones no longer interested me....which they do) so I have in the last 2 weeks read three books, reading has always been a strong passion of mine! And Ive been pursuing photography again, poor Laura lol! Ive been singing again, Ive been singing since I was a little girl and jut abruptly stopped, I sing almost everyday now and I can feel the joy slowly seeping back into my veins. Ive returned to my nature walks, which is good for both an activity and exercise . And the final thing on my list (so far) is to start doing art again. Thats probably the biggest thing I miss in my life. I used to do art (soome form of it at least, whether it was painting, or sculpting or just doodling) every day. I dont remember the last time I sat down to draw. Part of the problem is I dont have many supplies left, Ive never gone to buy any...ever. Its always just been things that were given to me for birthdays and Chirstnases....and mostly from walmart, nothing of quality ever. Theres a nice art store in hamilton, but its hard for me to get there. It just came to my attention that theres an art store in town. I hope to go see it soon.
Well Laura has had enough of independant play and is screaming and throwing things. Got to  run, I hope this was a long enough post to keep you content until I post again .

I planned on having Laura. Most people my age who become parents, its on accident, but us, we planned this. I wish (sometimes) that we had been able to wait, as now that I look to going to school in January, its much harder now that I have Laura. For starters my Mom will have to watch her all day everyday, while Im in class. Now my Mom is only 47, but she is very unhealthy. Which makes me sad, always just a little floating in the back of my mind. before the devastating news that she has cancer, she was already out of work and fighting with severe osteoarthritis and osteoporosis. Which means, for those of you fortunate to have never had a loved one suffer with, is that her bones are so fragile that stubbing a toe she broke all 4 toes and a bone in her foot. Just from a stubbed toe. And the arthritis is in all her muscles and joints, sometimes her hands are so bad that she has trouble opening her door.

A while back, I guess maybe January...not the one just past but the one before that. I had to tell my Mom news from my Doctor. Me like her 4 sisters has a medical condition that causes scaring in the fallopian tubes, making it hard for the egg to ever make it down to meet the sperm.And that chances were, I wouldn't be able to have kids. She was devastated, as was I. I always wanted a baby. So in February, we decided to try anyway. We were told it would probably never happen. Lets just try so later in life we could say we did. And why keep getting depo provera if I dont even need it (depo is a birth control injection, given every 3 months). So I didnt go for that months needle and we did it like rabbits. Sorry was that too graphic? When I mention my fallopian tubes Im assuming youve taken phys ed.

So one month later Im throwing up, every day. I knew right away I was pregnant. And I cant describe how happy I was. Somedays I regret my decision, some days I think of how much easier buying a house and getting a career would be if I didnt have a family to worry about. Then, I look at Laura, and know that this is exactly  how my life was meant to be. I love my baby. No other sperm and egg combo could be as great! I just wish it didnt come with so many stretch marks!

Tomorrow, Niagara Falls post.

Well this post is completely unplanned. So sorry if I go off on a tangent or forgot what I was writing about all together. Sometimes I do that. Like now, for instance.  The reason I decided to write this impromptu post is because today, when I went to check the Mommy Blogaries, like I do every morning I noticed that I had unpublished comments. Hmmm interesting, Im pretty sure I already published Justine's 1 comment per post , and here are some more. And not from Justine. Why is it so strange to me that that simple fact could make me feel happy. Someone else out there cares to read my thoughts? Finds my sarcasm and awkward jokes to be funny? I think thats just swell. So as per your request, this post will be about Laura. A brief little run down of my schedule, and the way I like things done. Now Im not saying the way that I do things are right (although in my opinion they are :D) so please do not decide that youa re going to do things as I do and then complain to me when they dont work. Every baby is different. Every baby learns differently and develops at different rates.
But enough of that, onto Laura, who is currently on her tummy time mat making hilarious sounds, all the more difficult for me to concentrate and write anything other then my internal monologue which is giggling madly.  I dont know if I have a parenting style. I think its a funny term. I guess because it varies so much. Laura was a winter baby, which may be fault to why we co-sleep...but in the same regards it would also make it responsible for me breast feeding exclusively for the first 5 months. We moved into a new house last summer, when I was preegnant with Laura. Heat was inclusive with the rent, but the down stairs tenents have the thermostat, little did I know how big of an issue it would be. See in such an old house it heated the downstairs up rreally quickly and then the upstairs was still cold. And it wasnt really that cold, maybe Im just making excuses. In the hospital, I had a c-section, it made it excruciating to mopve around, if I could do it again  I think I may have waited the week to see if she flipped back around so I could do it 'au naturel' . But because of the surgery that very first night I slept with her right in bed with me. Im a really light sleeper, the cats move three rooms down and I hear the floor squeek. So I wasnt really afraid Id roll on her, and since I was breast feeding it made sense to just keep her on me. Well that first nioght I fell in love. I mean I loved her at first sight and all, but the anesthetics they gave me for surgery were terrible, made me sick and woozey. everything was a blur until later that night. That night, just thinking of it gives me goose bumps. It reminds me of when I first fell in love with Trevor, back before all the hurt, that rush of warm love that ran through my veins setting me on fire. When I hugged her I felt that rush again, only stronger. I held her close and knew I would never let her go. Once home from the hospital I was still sore. My Mom came and helped out every day for the first month, her support was invauable, I dont know how I wouldve done it without her! Trevor would take care of us at night, make dinner and bring me things when I asked for them. I started making a 'nest'. Where I would sit on the couch with a blanket and push it so it looked like a little nest, with me in the center, scooped out bowl part of this nest. I would lay Laura in there at her boob, and when she was done eating she would go to sleep. Everyday I held her, even when she slept. Not really realizing I was causing an issue for later. Now, Laura being 6 months old, she has a problem going to bed  in her crib. I try at nap times, I want the transition to flow. But still sometimes, when shes had a rather cranky day I just hold her while she sleeps so i know shes getting her nap. By bedtime (9pm) Im so tired that I dont want to lay her in the crib and then get up with her every hour, Im always nice and calm and gentle, when Ive had some sleep. So when bedtime comes along, I just bring her to  bed with me. I sleep with my arm over her holding her hand, and I tuck the blanket under her so she cant roll away from me, but Im such a light sleeper, if she moves a muscle Im up. Trevor wants her in the crib. He doesnt like sharing our queen bed with a little baby. But again, when push comes to shove, he needs his sleep too. He would rather sleep on the end of the bed then hear me and Laura making so much noise at 11pm,1am,3am,4am,6am (and thats how it seems to go on nights i try to put her in the crib!)
Coming up Trev and I have a trip planned for Niagra Falls, for my birthday. It will be our first night away, and my first nights sleep. Im excited for the sleep part :D!  Im a little nervous about leaving Laura, I know she is all I will be able to think about, but Ill try and act like Im having a good time. Oh good news though, Jean (Trevs Mom) has to go work for the carnival so she cant watch Laura for one of the 2 days were gone, ohhh booooo! Oh no, a drunk chain smoker isn't going to neglectfully watch my baby, oh no, how ever will I deal? *victory dance*

So this morning, I feel like breaking some habits. For instance, every morning I wake up, go brush my teeth etc in the bathroom, change Laura and set her down on her play mat (she loves to play alone now, its kinda weird to me still.....shes not my little bean anymore shes a little girl :0! ) And sit down in front of the computer with a bowl of cereal. So yes I still went pee and changed Laura, but then normally I would check facebook, Mommy Blogaries ,email, weather network, oddee (love that site!), and then throw on the tv for background noise while I sit on the floor with Laura . Today  I decided to post however , for 2 reasons. 1- I miss Justine and this is my favourite method of communicating with her, and 2- Maybe someone else actually reads this and i should write for them. And myself too I suppose, I always loved writing as a kid, school too, but I think it was all the writing in school that I loved, that and ART!!!! But I loved to write, I wrote so much. Papers that would be required to be a page or two long would come back 8 or 9 pages long.
I have a secret goal. Want to know what it is? Its to one day write a book. What about you ask? Could you even hold a train of thought long enough to complete it? Would anyone even want to read it? Maybe. That is the answer I always come back with.. Ive always doubted myself , always needed others approval. Well no more. No more I say! (okay I know a bit much with that last no more, but Lauras no longer happy playing on the floor mat so I have to finish this early)

Sorry, Ill try and write again later !