Loving Laura

So its raining outside. There goes todays plans. Which were, before the rain, to walk to the library and pick a new book, by a new author, one Ive never read before. Step out side the comfort zone, Ive grown to feel too safe inside. But again, rain. Rain rain go away.....well actually, no dont...you can stay. Ive been asking for rain for quite a few days now, to break the humidity, and now that its finally here, i just dont have the heart to wish it away.
So what to do, what to do. Other then laugh at Laura, who has a new way of moving around. And who looks at me, with raised eyebrows which are all too familiar, until I look back. I can feel her gaze, intense, burning into the side of my face. Willing me to turn and look at her. Then she laughs. Just a short soft laugh, but one of accomplishment. Then she goes on with talking to her self while examining her feet. Oh to be a baby again. You spend your whole childhood wishing and rushing to grow up, not realizing that your racing through the best part of life. The entirety of our adult lives is spent trying to recapture the joys of our youth. Life just looses its sparkle after a while. But then, when you think the whole world is dull and boring, you become a parent. Its almost like reliving those times, seeing the amazement and wonder on her face as she learns everything for the first time. To sit and wait for her to look up at me, just to make sure Im watching. It warms me up with a love I thought was long extinguished. Its this love that I try to remember when I have moments of doubt. Doubt of the path I chose. Everyone has those moments I think. Some are more honest to their selves then others, but time to time I think everyone wonders 'what if...' ?
I started reading a new blog, (http://warriorgirl.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-am-not-lost-i-am-just-in-camouflage.html ) (that link is to a post that really resonated with me) and she says that she used to think becoming a Mom destroyed the artist in her, but now she realizes that the life she chose does not stand in the way of the life she dreamt of. That it doesnt have to be either ,or. And I am more determined then ever to persue art again. Enough of my fears thinking it wont be good enough or I may be rejected, fuck it. SO what if I am. At least I can say I tried. If I died, without ever having tried, would I have lived at all?

So tonight Im hoping to go get art supplies. And after Laura goes down for bed, instead of mindlessly staring at the computer screen, Im going to paint.