Loving Laura

So I'm not sure why I'm posting now. I'm having a hard time coming up with what to say. I truly have been rendered speechless; which is almost funny if you know me.

Speaking of me. Sometimes I need it to be about me. ME ME ME! I feel like I'm always there for everyone else. I listen when people talk about themselves. They go on and on and on, not once do most (<3Justine) of my friends ever pause and ask "So how are you Amanda?" No...they don't. I'M always the one reaching out to people, touching base.....Ill ask you how you are and how you've been doing.. Then this is where most of the ....assholes jerks I talk to answer the question and either tangent off into something else about them or stop messaging.
Even sometimes family does this. Not my sister, shes a rock. She gives me hope. But take for instance yesterday. I visited my mother in the morning and she talked about her new job (yay) and everything going on at home and such. She didn't ask how i was doing......maybe I'm being sensitive. I'm sure I am. That's what I do. I'm a 'feeler'. A while back I took the aptitude class put on by a college and there were about 20 people in my group. Everyone took the test. About half of the group got orange - (I don't remember exactly but...) energetic, outgoing adventurous etc. Then 1/4 of the people left got yellow, and the other people got green. And me, just me was in blue. Now once we had these colours we learned more about our personality types, jobs that make people like us happy.....and then it was two weeks of group work. See where I'm going here? Yup, everyone had friends and people to sit with and talk to and i spent the two weeks alone doing the group work of 1. Its been this way since I was a little girl. And the colour blue, in this group at least, meant emotional, internal, artistic, different.  Weird right?!
Anyway, that was a pointless rant to show even a test that doesn't know me can figure me out. And that's sad. Because some people in my life just cant.

And yesterday, shit hit the fan. I don't really know what to say just yet.

I really don't know what to say.

And I ALWAYS have something to say.

In other news- I am going to try my hardest not to gain weight with the obesity of this grief. I guess I don't really love 'me' either right now.....so why would I expect others to. I need to whip my butt in shape. Both literally and figuratively.

I am going to apply for school.
I am going to get a job in the mean time. Something nights...
I am going to continue to paint, draw and sculpt and whatever the fuck else my artistic self leads me to do.
I will not crumble.
I will take better care of myself. And change my hair. I hate it. Once I stop crying. I'm going to put on makeup
I'm going to make new friends.
I'm going to finish Laura's book.
I will not crack.
I will exercise until I can no longer move. Then Ill do it some more. 15 down. 40 to go.
I need to find 'me' again. That fire that's been put out. And douse gasoline on what flames are left.


That's all for now. Sorry for the static thoughts. That's just how my brain is 'functioning' right now.

So I guess its been a while since Ive written here. I suppose that is because I have been releasing stress in other ways. Lately Im doing alot more around the house, its hard to keep up with a walking baby, who is basically a food tornado. But Im really giving it my best. In all aspects too, not just cleaning. Im really trying to get 'me' back as well. Doing my nails, straightening my loooong ass hair (that I REALLY need to get cut!...and dyed but that will have to wait :s  because I have a  big party coming up, but more on that later) spending the hour on my makeup, well more like 40 minutes really, even when doing my make up recently Ive just done 'less'. But still, I dont feel like me. And I know why that is, Ive just been lazy and let it slide. That terrible thing? My weight. I know Im not terribly obese or anything, but 50-60 lbs less and I know I will be alot happier. Something else is always a priority. Playing with Laura, cleaning up the mess from playing with Laura, feeding Laura and cleaning Laura. The daily cleaning and laundry. Oh dont forget sleeping when I can. That doesnt really leave alot of time for going to the gym. But Im going to start trying harder. If I have time and energy to walk to the store and get chocolate,  then I should be able to have the money to go to the Y, and the energy to work myself till I hurt. I also need to work on portioning, as I know that eating healthy will only get you so far if your eating a mountain of it ( slight exaggeration) .....but I really am trying.

In other news. Laura is fantastic. Sleep depriving, but fantastic. She walks and climbs, and gets into and onto anything and everything, so i guess its time to call her a toddler. Scary and exciting. As she learns to do more on her own I will have more 'me' time , but then she will need me less. Speaking of needing me, she is currently yelling at me now, so Im going to just post this now and hope that i can make time later to tell you about le partay!

I know its been a while since Ive posted. Too long some would say *cough*Justine*cough* , so I thought Id try and write something quickly while Laura's in her play pen. I probably don't have long, Laura woke up this morning at 5:30 (ick!) so shes pretty cranky.  I am too I guess....but that's nothing new. I haven't written in a while because Ive just had nothing nice to say, and my Momma always taught me 'if you don't have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all '....which evidently does not work too well for me as it leaves me silent.
Im not sure when I started being such a negative nancy. My glass is always half empty. Someone elses grass is always greener. And instead of watering my grass, more often then not I just say 'screw this grass' and stop caring entirely. Which is also not really working for me. So somethings got to change. I'm not really sure what that something is, but I'm searching tirelessly for it. I'm trying to do more of what makes me happy, problem is....I just don't seem to know what that is anymore. I draw (not nearly enough) but I never create. I doodle, and scribble, but I never have a thought behind it, no message or reason. All my messages are too.....dark. I feel angry. Alone. Abandoned. These things should push me to create amazing touching pieces of work, but they don't. They leave me instead playing sims for 2 hours, when I could be painting. 


There is one constant in my life though. One thing that makes me happy and keeps me going. And that thing is not a thing at all. She is my little girl Laura. And on Friday she will be one. ONE. How is that possible? Has it really been a year since I had my baby? Its funny, you always hear people say 'ahh it feels like yesterday', but its true! I can still remember the soft glow of the hospital lights, the gentle hum of the machinery. Laura curled up in the crook of my arm. The nurses would come in and offer to take her to the nursery, let me get some sleep. "No thank you" I would tell them, we're fine here, and I would cuddle back into her. If I hadn't known better I would have thought that Id died in the surgery and gone to heaven, cause that's how it felt. An eternal hug. A never ending embrace. The love of a mother and her new baby. I have felt very nostalgic the past few weeks as I watched the calendar count down to the day that changed my life. Changed me. 
I can remember coming home with her and spending endless time snuggled up with her in a cocoon made of blankets. Days turned into nights and back again, and I never put her down. People would warn me "oh you better put her down in her swing (or crib or whatever) you don't want her to be clingy". I'm glad now that I ignored that advice. For had I listened to them, I would've missed out on an hour of the most precious days of my life. Its funny, you think you will remember it all, but you don't. As hard as you try to hold onto those moments they slip through your fingers. But the feeling of tenderness never leaves. Holding her then, I couldn't wait for her to grow, to interact with me, to hug and kiss me and to say "mum". Now those things have happened, time has sped by and my baby isn't so small anymore. In fact she is a little adult. And she is amazing. So smart and funny and pretty, Its a wonder I don't tear up every time I look at her. Cause she is just that amazing! Its the little things really. Like how she will walk any day, she can stand up in the middle of the room with nothing to pull herself up with, and just stand and smile at me. She doesn't need words I know shes thinking "look Mom I'm doing it I'm doing it!", then she flops down on her bum and charges over at me to give me a 'hug' which to Laura is laying her head on my knee and letting out the little sigh. The other day she nodded for the first time. Trevor and I lost our minds laughing. We were playing catch, and she had caught the ball and we were telling her to throw it back, nodding in encouragement and she picked up the ball, and with wide eyes and a Cheshire grin she nodded back, slowly and exaggeratedly at first, then more deliberately. Now whenever you ask Laura anything she nods. Yesterday the cat walked by and meowed at her and she nodded at him. It was so funny I just had to walk across the room to her, scoop her up in my arms and kiss her soft little neck creases. I love her chubby little neck! Every morning when we wake I kiss that little neck and think how lucky I am to be her Mom. And as I sit her writing this I look out my window that looks down on a school yard. Kids all running and playing and their Moms standing by the fence watching them with love. One day my baby will be in school, and people wont see her as a baby anymore....but I  will. I will still remember our long days of cuddling, and how she looks to see if I was watching everytime she does something new. How she will walk up to the computer and point and then dance and I know she wants me to play music for her. How excited she was the first time I let her eat table food, and how shocked she was when I yelled because she threw it at the tv. 
As Moms we often don't get much time to ourselves, but when we do we spend it counting down the minutes until we get to hold our babies again. Even as I write this, I'm wondering why I haven't heard Laura yelling for me to come get her. Chances are shes just sitting there quietly reading her book, but the Mom in me wants to go ruin this quiet time and peek my head in the door. Its funny, even after I had her I never thought of myself as 'Mom'....it just felt weird to call myself that. People would call to see how we were doing and say things like "hey momma, hows it going?" and it always made me laugh. Oh yeah Im a mom! But now, I couldnt see myself as anything but Mom. Its not just dna,its who I am. I am her friend. Her caregiver and safe keeper. Her source of advice and wisdom. Her sun and shining star. Sometimes its hard to be the center of someones universe. But other times, times like these, I'm reminded how wonderfully lucky I was to have her. To know her. To love her. 


Laura will be one on Friday. Her very first birthday.  She doesn't know it yet, but she will always have me by her side.

For the past 7 years, Ive missed out on alot. Good time with friends. Valuable time spent with family. Time invested into my passions and dreams.For one main reason. I was waiting around. Waiting for the person whose pressence is like swimming in a sea of ecstasy. Ok, maybe thats a bit much. But thats the way teenage me felt. I didnt care if friends wanted me to go out, or my Mom wanted to go shopping. I wanted to sit and be with 'him'. We spent alot of time together, over the years. Often sitting and doing nothing more then enjoying one and others company. But gradually over the years, the scales tipped, and we were no longer each others main past time activity.
He took up various hobbies and sports, while I remained the same, sitting and waiting for him to come home. I would often sit for hours and hours just waiting for him to be done whatever thing he was doing. And then there would always be a fight. Me: why were you so long? Ive been sitting here waiting for you for 5 hours!` Him: why?
That 'why?' was always a stab through my pride. Why? WHY?!? Why because you love me and should want to spend time with me, like I do with you.
But after years and years Ive finished with waiting. Ive decided to live my life, with or without 'him'. Today was a great example of that. Laura and I slept in ( :D I know right!!! woohoo 8:30!!!) and we rubbed the sleep from our eyes, ate some oatmeal and headed out for the day. 1st we went to the park , whewre Laura enjoyed the fresh green grass before it gets covered with crisp fall leaves, and eventually snow. Then we walked and got some Timmies (a must on every walk!) and Laura had her 1st timbit. We got on the bus and rode to Walmart for some much needed retail therapy, aka shopping lol. We got a HUGE bag of cat food, as wally mart is the only place that carries 9.5 kg (22 lb!) bags of cat food. We then went through the kid section and looked at toys and felt textures, Laura not being a big fan of bumpy things. We went through the book section and pushed the buttons on the books that make sound. We both bought a pair of snazzy new shoes, and laura got a couple of fall out fits. We went through the make up section while Laura was very patient for Mommy to pick out a nice nude lipstick to help her feel fly. (Ill do my hair and make up and post pics tomorrow) and then we went to the grocery store where I bought a chicken caeser salad for lunch and we bused home. After a little nap, we got dressed up again, this time in her new duds, and we walked down town to the jazz festival. There we looked at art, fresh art as it was being worked on right on the street. We listened to sweet jazz on 3 different stages and danced and laghed and ran through the park. We were about to head home when I heard a phenomenal female jazz singer, so we turned back around and headed into this cute little coffee place where I got a cafe mocha (MMMM Justine :p) and a cookie and we sat on the patio enjoying the sweet sounds echoing off the surrounding buildings. Finally Laura had had enough outings for the day as she began rubbing her eyes. Were home now and Laura is enjoying her books (ok so she only chews on them, at least shes digesting some literature hahaha) before bath time and bed. What a great day, that we would have never had had I been waiting on him to come home.
From now on, we will wait on no one. We will enjoy every adventure that comes our way. xoxo

Isnt that how life always seems to go? You make some progress and then an inevitable road block plops itself in your way thwarting your plans.

So its been a while since Ive Laura updated, and theres a lot to update! She had starting getting up on her knees about 3 weeks ago, and she was doing this weird chameleon lurching thing. And then a couple days later she would get up on her hands and knees and walk her hands backwards pushing herself up onto her feet. She even attempted bear walking for a little bit, and then she just stopped trying. Some where in that week she was busy learning other things, i was just too focused on the crawling. I never noticed when she started being able to get from her belly to her butt. Or to sit up from her back to be butt. But the next week she decided to try crawling again, and was pretty smooth. And three days later she was in hyper speed and zoomed everywhere! Then this past week she has mastered standing. Without help might I add. She can stand herself up on anything! Even a wall, which has nothing to hold onto so I was pretty amazed! She is even pushing around her toys now trying to walk.
I knew these things would happen. Of course I did....but why tthen does it all feel too soon? I feel like just last month she was still my little bean, all she did was cuddle and sleep in my arms all day. I want to laugh at all the people who always lectured me to put her down in her crib. "ohhh you should hold her all the time, put her down" HA! And miss precious cuddle time? Not on your life! She is not yet 10 months and already I can see a little person looking up at me. She has such a strong personalitly. Like her mama :)  Shes defiant and loves testing me! She is curious and clever, she is funny and adventurous. And I love her. I love her so much I wonder who I was before I had her. I look at pictures and I dont even think Im the same person. There was a selfishness in me before that is long extinct. Everything I have I would give to her. I dont think I couldve said that of Amanda a few years ago. But time passes and people change.

I can still remember last winter. So vividly and clear. Im taking a moment to write about that because Im afraid I wont always remember the feeling of those times. Old memories are always replaced with new ones, no matter how hard we try to hold on! The house was not set up like it is now (Trev likes moving furniture around) the play room used to be the living room, and I remember it being dimly lit (as it was winter, not alot of natural lighting) as we had a floor lamp, one of the ones that branches off 5 different ways, and I always had it on the dimmest setting. I remember that I was so sore from the caesarean that I couldnt walk around much. So I never really used my change table,. I kind of made myself a nest. I know that sounds funny, but its the best way I can think to describe it. I had a little book shelf next to the couch where i had the breast pump, the diapers ,wipes, clothes, blankets etc, and drinks and snacks on top of course. And there was a blue ottoman that I would put my feet up on. I had three HUGE blankets and 4 pillows and I would build up a blanket nest all around me, making it perfect, then I would lay Laura down right against my belly, and thats where she hung out. She spent almost all of her time snug against my chest. I didnt need to move her, I could just wip out the boob and nurse. Its funny, I kind of miss breast feeding. I stopped because she got teeth. And shes a bitter, she will bite your arm if you sit still long enough next to her. Apparently I was a bitter too. But I miss those cuddle times. I spent at least three months doing nothing but that. Holding and snuggling my gorgeous baby girl.  I had no idea that something so small could make me feel so special. When I think back to those times Im over whelmed by feelings of rushing warmth. I can see the dimly lit blanket nest and me and my baby all curled up inside. I even slept with her at night, despite being told not to. But those were the best night of my life. sleeping on arm over her and one eye open (figuratively speaking). And I remember one night in particular. It had been a hard day, she had been colicky and I just didnt know what to do. I was stressed, I was tired and i was feeling desperate, I  decided to go to bed an hour early and go lay down in bed with her. We were laying face to face, nose to nose, and I reached out and stroked her cheek, ever so gently. Her eyes were closed and she rubbed her face into my hand, much like a kitty does. I whispered "I love you" and still with her eyes closed , she smiled. The biggest sweetest smile. Her first smile. (holy crap, I just had one of those mommy moments, and teared up, that normally only happens for pampers commercials !) There were other great moments too, like when shes on the brink of sleep she will reach up and stroke my cheek now, and let out a little sigh, like she is just so happy Mom is there. But no special moment stands out in my mind like that first smile. 

And now, now she stands? Shes learning to walk? She can crawl away from me and dosnt need me to hold her anymore? She plays every morning in the pen for an hour, and sometimes when i go to get her, she doesnt even care. She just keeps on playing. Like oh, its just Mom...no biggie.  But at night, Im everything . She wont take a bottle from Trev, only Mom. And at about 4 am, she doesnt want to sleep in the crib any more, she will stand up and call, " MOm MOM mom mum mmmmoomm momomomomomom MOM MOM MOM!" until I get up and scoop her up and bring her to bed with me. Which i know is probably creating a bad habit, and I know Im just giving her dependency issues or whatever.......but truth be told Im way to tired to wake up at 4, and part of me really loves cuddling with her. Thats all she wants is to cuddle. Which is fine as Trevor doesnt sleep in the bed any more. (thats a whole other long ass story, for which I will save for another post, or maybe a visit?? EHEM! VISIT! JUSTINE!!) he doesnt want to be disturbed by her waking. Which I think is nonsense as there is no where in this little house that you wouldnt be able to hear her crying.  So for a while he was sleeping on the floor, then he bought an air mattress, and now he sleeps on that. SO im guessing its permanent. Us sleeping in separate rooms. I feel more like room mates then a couple any more. Its funny. I remember thinking that having a baby would bring us closer, but truth is, the stress of a baby brakes most couples up. The financial strain is alot more then any one ever prepares you for, and the sleep deprivation really takes a toll after a while. But really, people just change. They evolve and grow. Well some do. And others just stay the same. The ones who grow often grow too much, and cant relate to the person they were once so connected to. If your not catching the reference...Im the grower. It may take me a few years to get out of this funk, to get Laura off to school. To get back in shape. But look out world. Im coming for you! And Im leaving behind all the losers when I do!

I dont know what it is about piano music, it just speaks to my core. While practicing my Adele piano song "Someone like You" youtube suggested a NIN song that I had not heard yet. I like about half of NIN music. The other half is alot of the time noise. But noise to release some anguish that Trent Reznor obviously struggles with. Ive listened to this song like 10 times in a row and its now my #2 goal to learn. Im becoming obsessed. Again. I was in highschool too. Here are the lyrics :

"Lights In The Sky"

She's mostly gone
Some other place
I'm getting by
In other ways
Everything they whispered in our ear
Is coming true
Try to justify the things
I used to do
Believe in you

Watching you drown
I'll follow you down
And i am here right beside you
The lights in the sky
Have finally arrived
I am staying right beside you

I tried to stay away
You know
Just in case
I've come to realize
We all have our place
Time has a way you know
To make it clear
I have my role in this
I can't disappear
Or leave you here

Watching you drown
I'll follow you down
And i am here right beside you
The lights in the sky
Are waving goodbye
I am staying right beside you

And here is the youtube : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd0nIsGHIvc&feature=related

Also, if your curious about the Adele song Im learning you can find it here :   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAc83CF8Ejk&list=FLw2OgkJeSq6-n0qQv6GMdEA&index=14

 

In life, we always are dealing with new and old. New things in our path that broaden us and help us grow. We also deal with old. Its predictable, safe, familiar and routine...but it stays just that, always the same. Old does not grow or change, does not experience new things. So why is it so hard to break with the old and spring for the new. You always say you want new, talk about doing new things, having new habits and making dreams happen...simply by setting a deadline. Bam! Dream is now a goal, and goals are so attainable! Sooo instead of having this broad dream of being me again, I decided to break down that dream into what I thought was 'being me'.
Step 1. Sleep. Now I know to all you non Mothers out there , you think its funny that sleep is numero uno. But you try getting up every hour on the hour for 8 months and see how funtioning and motivated you feel! So the past month Ive really cracked down on my bedtime routine. Now that she doesnt sleep through the books, and   (kind of) pays attention when I read to her, I read for a full hour every night before bed. I love it, and I think one day she will too! Which brings me to number 2....
Step 2. Read. Again your probably thinging of all the things you could choose you want to fit reading into your hectic routine? Yes. Now Im not saying that Ill read every day or anything, but reading has always been a huge part of me. While other kids were off at parties I was in the library reading. I love the escape. The freedom. So Ive started reading again. Its just one of those motins I needed to take to feel like me. I mean what makes us who we are? What we do and say yes? SO if we stop doing all the things we love to do, are we still us? Well truth be told, I stopped doing all these things, and no...I didnt feel like me.
Step 3. Do my hair and make up. I find when i feel like I look good I tend to want to leave the house more. Go out longer. And no i dont need make up to feel good about the way I look, I used to in high school...Im pretty much over that now. But on the odd day I decide to go do my hair and make up instead of mindlessly looking at the computer screen, and on those days I feel great. I find Im way more productive and social. *note* those days generally follow a night of sleep :)
Step 4. Art. Now that I feel (from sleep) and look (the more fabulous I look the more fabulous I feel) like me, and my brain is full of amazing imagry (reading!) Im ready to paint. Or draw, which was my old preferred method of extruding the art from my soul and slapping it onto the paper. But Im trying for new, so Im exploring a little. Mediums wise that is...
Step 5. Music. Music used to be my life. Ive played an instrument and sang for as long as I can remember. My Dad is a musician and wanted me to be too. In highschool I was always in choir and jazz choir which you had to audition for as their was 9 girls And although piano lessons were pretty boring as a kid, I LOVE piano music now! Ive decided to teach myself and perform (yikes) for Rockton Fair. Oh boy! So Imm learning the song on my Dads key board that hes lent me. And this is all so new! So I have little over a month. I hope i can learn it well enough that I can sing at the same time! I get terrible stage fright! Its easy to sing in a group, but alone, its very different.
Step 6. Excersise and eat well. I know this should be a higher priority. But I am getting better and better. On days that I draw, or read or do make up or sing....those days I also go on long nature walks with Laura in the stroller. I love nature walks. I grew up down by the river, and spent most of my time there with my camera.
Speaking of camera...Ive really fallen out of habit of my camera, which is now good. Everytime I blink I miss something! So I finally went out and bought some batteries and taken some pictures. New pictures of new things. Like this new tattoo Ive got on my foot :) And to me it symbolized my love for music and serves as a reminder that we grow and change and become so busy in life, but some things never change! People thing they change, and maybe they do a little...grow and evolve to fit their surroundings. But the core being of that person always stays the same. I thought I had changed. Thought that becoming a Mom meant thats all I was. But I found me again. And it  feels great!                                                                     
So this here is my new tattoo <3

    This is an old (2008) pic of me singing.

This is an older pic of me being fabulous me. That is the mojo Im aspiring towards.

This is the most recent painting Ive done, other then Julia's, but that was more of experimenting with new supplies then an actual attempt at something meaningful and inspiring. Don't get me wrong Justine, Julia's painting is very beautiful, it has her name and some  kittens, and I think she will like it very much. But for my next painting, I hope to push myself.